You’re reading Between Us, a place for parents to offload and share their tricky parenting dilemmas. Share your parenting dilemma here and we’ll seek advice from experts.
A young parent has opened up about how she’s finally decided to get her three-year-old daughter vaccinated – yet her own mother has extremely strong feelings about it.
The mum said when she gave birth to her daughter, she was just 19 and still living with her mum, who she claimed she was “heavily influenced” by.
“My whole family has always been anti vax and I don’t even know if I have [had] vaccines,” she explained on Reddit.
“But recently I’ve just come to the realisation that it’s not supposed to be that way. I feel stupid for it taking this long to realise but no one has really talked to me about it.”
The mother made an appointment to get her daughter vaccinated, but when her ownmum learned of this, she told her that her three-year-old “will never be the same” and that she would become “super sick” from having them.
“I don’t fully believe this but a part of me is still a little nervous,” said the worried parent. “So if anyone can reassure me that getting my daughter vaccinated isn’t going to completely ‘change’ her personality or her health that would be nice.”
Most people rushed to reassure the mum that she was making the right choice.
“Vaccinated my daughter. She’s about to finish college a year and a half early, and has been very healthy her entire life,” said one Reddit user.
Another added: “Vaccines are much much much safer than the diseases they prevent. I have 2 little kids who have had probably dozens of vaccines at this point.
“We, like millions and millions of people who do this are healthy and well and have never had an adverse effect beyond a sore arm.”
Unfortunately the situation described is far from unique. I’m increasingly hearing from friends whose family members – and even partners – disagree with their stance on vaccinating their children.
What’s more, figures from the UK Health Security Agency (UKHSA) show there has been a consistent decline in uptake of the childhood vaccination programme over the last decade.
Typically, in the UK, children have around 11 vaccinations by the age of three. One of the routine childhood vaccines given at 12 months old is for measles, mumps and rubella (MMR).
Measles is highly contagious and currently on the rise in the UK. The disease can lead to severe complications and can even be fatal.
In February, the state of Texas faced an outbreak of the illness which led to the tragic death of an unvaccinated child.
So, it’s not dramatic to say that vaccinating kids is a matter of life or death.
What to do when family members or partners disagree on getting kids vaccinated
If you want your child to be vaccinated, it’s important to stand up for what you think is right – even if it means having some difficult conversations.
Psychotherapist James Lloyd suggests that there are a few things to bear in mind when speaking to people who disagree with your plans to vaccinate your child.
The first thing to do is acknowledge their concerns, but stay grounded in evidence, he suggested.
“It can be helpful to listen to the concerns of family members without immediately dismissing them. Acknowledge their feelings while gently steering the conversation toward credible, science-backed sources,” he added.
When speaking to family members or your partner, be clear on why you believe vaccination is right for your child. If you frame it around your child’s wellbeing and health, rather than making it a debate, it can “reduce defensiveness”, the therapist said.
With such a polarising topic, it’s inevitable that in some families, discussion will heat up. At this point, it’s OK to set boundaries and agree to disagree.
“Letting family members know that while you respect their perspective, the final decision is yours to make can help maintain relationships while standing firm,” Lloyd explained.
Accept your differences and aim to maintain a relationship despite them, rather than trying to force agreement, he added.
When your partner is anti vaccination
If you’re in disagreement with your child’s other parent – whether you’re separated or together – it might also help to bring in an external perspective from an expert, such as a GP, to help provide information and alleviate any concerns.
Dr Lawrence Cunningham, a retired GP who works with the UK Care Guide, told HuffPost UK: “Where I’ve seen this work best is when both parties agree to listen first before discussing. I’d say that patience and empathy go a long way.
“For me, it’s about working together for the child’s health, not winning an argument.”
And if you want your child to be vaccinated, but your child’s other legal guardian strongly disagrees, you can take the issue to court – although, obviously, this would be a last resort.
According to E J Coombs solicitors, an application would need to be made to the court for a Specific Issue Order and it would then consider whether it is in the child’s best interests to be vaccinated.
Historically, courts have ruled in favour of vaccinating otherwise healthy children.