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For many couples, sex plays an important role in their relationship. It’s a way for us to connect with our partner, so when something in our sex life changes, it often affects the relationship. Then comes the topic of porn, which can be a divisive one.
But what happens when your partner is watching porn behind your back? And how should you react if the genre takes you by surprise?
This week’s reader, Beth, writes in saying: “My partner who is male watches gay porn a lot when I’m not looking. Yet, we’ve had a satisfactory life until the last few years when he became impotent. Is he bisexual or simply gay?”
Sexuality is a spectrum, but watching gay or lesbian porn doesn’t necessarily mean you’re attracted to people of the same sex. So, what should Beth do?
What would you say to this reader?
Counselling Directory member Fergus Evans wants Beth to know that just because your partner watches gay porn, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to have sex with other men – or that he would identify as gay or bisexual.
“People’s erotic lives are a complex mix of fantasies, desires, and practices. Many people have sexual fantasies that they have no desire to act out in real life but have fulfilling sex lives regardless,” Evans says.
“I’m curious how you know about your partner’s porn watching habits. Is it something he’s disclosed to you?,” Evans asks.
“It may be worth exploring this further with him. Try to approach the conversation from a place of curiosity rather than judgement or fear. You might ask him about what he enjoys about these videos. You could also share some of your own fantasies with him. Explore shared activities, such as watching porn you both like together.”
Does watching same-sex porn mean that we are attracted to people of the same sex?
“Watching same sex-porn on the face of it only means that we watch same-sex porn,” Counselling Directory member Simon Lyne says.
We might have same sex attraction, but we may also not. “The motivation for watching porn might not even be sexual, or arousing. We know that watching people having sex whatever their gender can be a source of arousal,” Lyne says.
″‘Forbidden’ things can also hold a big erotic charge for some people. The realm of the erotic imagination is diverse and limitless. Self-identifying straight men can have diverse sexual interests, sometimes including an interest in sex that isn’t heteronormative (not only one man with one woman, or penis-in-vagina sex). If you watched porn together (gay or straight) and this led to sexual interaction that was pleasurable for you, would this be a problem?”
What practical advice would you give this reader? How can she speak to her partner about this?
Lyne thinks Beth should reflect on her own beliefs and ideas she has about sex and sexuality. “What is sex for you? Where did you learn about sex? What messages were there about gender, sexuality and sex growing up? What about relationships? Or porn?” Lyne asks.
“What did you learn from peers, school, parents, the media? What is your motivation for sex with your partner? How do you identify your own sexual orientation? Has it always been fixed or is it more flexible? What turns you on/off? Do you masturbate? What do you fantasise about? Do you watch porn?”
“Are there things you haven’t tried but would like to? What room for movement is there on these things? These are just to get you started. Hopefully you will be better prepared then to suggest an open-minded, curious and non-judgemental conversation with your partner.”
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.