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We all want to experience pleasure during sex, but that should never come at the expense of your partner feeling discomfort. But sadly, around one in 13 women report experiencing pain during sex.
So, what do you do if you realise this is impacting your partner?
This week’s reader, Paul, shares his dilemma. “My partner always feels pain during sex especially during penetration after long hours of foreplay and she doesn’t orgasm during sex,” he says.
Counselling Directory member Anna Walton tells HuffPost UK that “pain during sex can be a sign of a number of issues”.
The NHS website lists some possible physical conditions that may be exacerbating the issue, so Walton says the first step Paul should take is to support his partner to see a doctor to rule out any of these reasons. “If nothing is revealed it is more likely to be emotional or psychological,” Walton says.
How can you support a partner who experiences pain during sex?
It’s great to see a guy asking this and taking an active role in his partner’s pleasure and wellbeing. Walton emphasises that a couple experiencing this issue should try to identify when the pain occurs together – this is not a “women’s problem” to deal with.
“Is it always?” she asks. “What is the pain like? Is it sharp, dull, stabbing, a specific area, constant or intermittent? This is important to be able to describe in as much detail as possible.
“Try to discover these details together patiently and gently so that she feels supported and cared for. Hours of foreplay may not necessarily be helping – quality is more important than quantity. How is the foreplay for her? What does she need?”
How can our mental state affect the way we have sex?
“Stress, anxiety, depression, fear, shame, low self-esteem and trauma can all have a significant impact on intimacy and sex,” Walton says.
“The body will sometimes say no, using pain as a defence to avoid further trauma. Tension may make penetrative sex painful but it depends on the type of pain and the severity. Our body and mind are in constant interplay – if there is emotional pain or tension, there will likely be some kind of physical pain or tension.
“Sometimes unaddressed trauma or fear/shame will result in a tense body that is more susceptible to pain and discomfort and less able to be open to the physical engagement and release of orgasm.
“It is very important that all of these points are considered as potential signposts to understanding your girlfriend’s experience and that she does not feel any pressure or criticism.”
What are some practical tips the couple can do to deal with this?
Try to identify the type of pain, the area and if there are any times it is more or less present.
Discuss the pain in as much detail as possible with a doctor or gynaecologist.
Is your girlfriend able to masturbate without pain?
Does she feel pressure to perform and are you able to be patient and inquire into the issue together?
Practice intimacy without sex
Talk about any possible past experiences that may be impacting your girlfriends ease and enjoyment of sex
Encourage your girlfriend to see a therapist if there is any past trauma- sexual or relational, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, shame or fear
Be patient.
“It might be useful to take the focus off sex and spend time being intimate – this may be talking and asking each other questions, cuddling and caressing but without the expectation of sex, bathing or showering together,” she adds.
“Massage can be an excellent way to increase intimacy and relaxation but avoid trying to turn it into a sexual precursor.
“Ask her what she needs and would like and ask her to try to be as honest as possible – intimacy requires trust and trust is earned. She may feel that she is letting you down or that she is a disappoint or failure – try to reassure her that her enjoyment of sex is for her, not you.”
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.