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The topic of porn can be a taboo subject, but we need to talk about it – especially in relationships. This week’s reader, Jenny, wrote in to ask for advice related to her husband’s porn consumption.
“My partner is watching porn and won’t have sex with me,” she said. “I found out that my husband is into porn and he won’t turn from his ways. He’s pleasuring himself but won’t have sex with me, what should I do?”
Navigating a situation like this can be tricky, but Counselling Directory member Georgina Smith is here to help.
How can this reader speak to her husband about this?
“Like any difficult subject in a relationship, pick a time when you are both able to talk freely, raising it when you are both calm and able to discuss rationally, don’t wait until an argument,” Smith says.
“Invite some open conversation about his feelings around his porn habit and how that makes you feel - try to use empathy and good listening skills.
“Explore how you could find your way back to a sex life you both enjoy to feel more connected. You are entitled to express your desire for sex in a relationship and how their rejection may be causing you hurt.”
When does watching porn become an issue in a relationship?
Smith believes that watching porn in a relationship becomes an issue when it causes harm to the partner. “Some people perceive watching porn as a form of infidelity, especially if it is done in secret,” she says.
“If porn watching is essentially a substitution for actual sex and that is impacting on the relationship (by stopping a couple connecting via sex and intimacy), I would consider that to be an issue.
“If watching porn has become addictive (i.e. unable to stop even if viewer wants to stop) then that person may need specialist help.”
What should we do when porn becomes an issue in our relationship?
Smith emphasises that we should “communicate effectively around the subject, don’t avoid it just because it can sometimes be an uncomfortable conversation.”
“Try to understand where you are both coming from if you have opposing views around porn and figure out how you might find a common ground that keeps both of you happy,” Smith says.
“Get some couple counselling to unpack in a safe space and reflect individually why you feel the way you do about porn would be two helpful places to start.”
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