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When you’re trying to support someone you love who’s in a rocky place mentally, it can be unimaginably hard – especially if they start to become distant.
This is the case for this week’s reader, Paul. “My partner of almost 20 years has said she’s not sure if she wants to be with me anymore,” he writes. “She’s going through a very tough time mentally, which is a big contributing factor – and as part of that turmoil she said she’s unsure if she wants to stay together.
“We live together and are both in our early 40s. As someone who’s also struggled with poor mental health for a prolonged period in the past, I know how it can impact your entire world and every aspect of life including relationships. I want to support her and help her overcome her challenges, but it’s breaking my heart having no intimacy and little communication.”
Counselling Directory members Georgina Smith and James Eve help Paul with his dilemma.
What would you say to this reader?
First of all, Georgina Smith recommends that Paul should safeguard his own mental health as he’s struggled with poor mental health in the past. “That old adage of ‘you cannot pour from an empty cup’ is true, make sure you have support for yourself in place first so you can then support your partner in whatever way they need,” she says.
When we are unsure of ourselves and our fluctuating mood and mental states, it calls into question the many aspects of our life – including our intimate relationships, says James Eve. “From your own struggles, you can both recognise and empathise how your own mental well-being can impact the different aspects of our lives,” he says.
“But what about you? You may have tried to help your partner, or made suggestions on how they can feel better. You can choose – and this is not easy – to be present with your partner, provide some level of reassurance that this will get better, and be there for them, even though they are unable to be there and do the same for you.
“It may be totally acceptable to feel depressed, anxious, or emotionally uneven if there has been a loss or a big life change. If this isn’t circumstantial, maybe there are factors that need addressing in your relationship?
“You say you’ve been together 20 years and suffered similar struggles. How has your partner supported you? Perhaps this role reversal puts you in an uncomfortable or unfamiliar position?”
How can dealing with mental health issues affect a relationship?
“The term ‘mental health issues’ has many connotations or interpretations… let’s say there is an increased level of suffering in our partner – be it anxiety, depression, or panic attacks,” Eve says.
“We could all agree that mental health issues are an increase in suffering and decrease in the well-being of an individual. Of course, when we see or experience someone we love and care for suffering we might naturally want to make them better or take care of them.”
Mental health issues can make us withdraw emotionally and we might become unable to communicate effectively with our partner, therapists suggest. “We can feel shame and guilt around ‘burdening’ our loved ones with our problems, so we don’t share our feelings – this, in turn, can make our partners feel isolated and unloved,” Smith says.
What practical advice would you give this couple?
“It would be good to know and understand your support network as a couple,” says James Eve.
“Are you suffering through this alone? Are there friends, family members, therapists you can talk to? A space to talk about your own struggles and the relationship itself can help lessen the feelings of helplessness and isolation. It is said it takes a village to raise a child, but I believe it takes a community to bring us through difficult times,” he adds.
Therapist Georgina Smith suggests that Paul continues to encourage his girlfriend to open up when she is ready, but remains patient and empathetic as much as possible.
“The relationship may well have run its course, however I would suggest she seek the right mental health support before making such a big decision,” she adds.
“Like any person or couple who suffer or who have suffered mental health challenges, a gentle emphasis on self-care would be key as well – good sleep hygiene, exercise, rest, eating well are an important part of the picture too.”
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.
Help and support:
- Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
- Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
- CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
- The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
- Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.
