With the headlines surrounding them becoming increasingly unlikely, here is a look at some of the upcoming stories, hitting a tabloid near you (or not).
Made in Chelsea
1. Spencer and Caggie FINALLY get it on
In the most unexpected plot twist in television history, Pug and Cag will 'get together', albeit only to realise that, actually, they don't find each other remotely attractive. Following a slippery snog and an ensuing awkward silence, the tension will be broken by Jamie Laing bursting on to the set, spraying them with champagne and presenting them each with a packet of McVities Digestives, screaming: 'Welcome to The Truman Show, bitches!'
2. Ollie cuts his hair off and becomes an ear model.
After much moping around and anguished-expression-pulling, Ollie will finally pursue his modelling ambitions and cut off his luscious locks. On fashioning himself a trendy Mohican - egged on by Binks and Cheska, naturally - he will then visit a non-descript modelling agency, where he will be told that with ears like his, he could have been at ear-catwalk level at least 10 years ago. Delighted, he proceeds to offer his services to Amber Atherton's jewellery line, giving up 'big necklaces' in favour of 'big earrings'.
3. Mark-Francis opens a Chelsea girl rehab centre.
Being a Sloane getting you down? It sounds like Mark-Francis' Sloane Rehab Centre is the place for you. Inspired by a vision in which he saw himself feeding grapes to the injured heroes of Downton Abbey's war scenes, Mark-Francis decided he wanted to become a modern-day Florence Nightingale. Deciding to stick with what he knows, he set up the Sloane Rehab Centre. Considering shopping in New Look? Toying with the idea of leaving the SW postcode? Tempted by that plate of chips? Put that fork down, fatty. Fanatic-style video loops of Mark-Francis bleating out some of his most memorable phrases - 'Chelsea girls don't eat!' - will be playing continuously during your stay, leaving you refreshed and repaired by the time you check out.
4. Caggie lands a top 10 album.
Reggie Yates has been counting down the top albums and is pleased to announce to the nation that Caggie Dunlop's debut album, The Pout, has topped the charts. Consisting mainly of Rihanna and Lady Gaga covers, the album has received, for the large part, positive criticism, apart from the nasty review NME gave it, who described it as 'as awkward as that moment when the X Factor winner doesn't score the Christmas number one'. Meow. Meanwhile, Gabriella Ellis' 'number one single', Fight, will also make a chart debut appearance, although experts predict that it will not be in the numero uno spot as she expects.
5. Francis is revealed as clinically insane.
Ever wondered what, exactly, it is that Francis does at the 'diamond business' which he appears to run (as proven by the fact that he was once shown looking at a small handful of jewels?) Well, it turns out that the 'diamond business' is in fact a Shutter Island-style set-up, designed by psychiatrists - with the help of Channel 4 - to see if young master Boulle has finally shaken off his diamante delusions. However, as demonstrated by the pineapple, the penguin and the skateboard, his recovery has been rather slow.
The Only Way is Essex
1. A female character does not open a shop.
In a shocking plot twist that left viewers across the country stunned, a female member of the TOWIE cast did not - repeat, did not - set up a beauty salon/clothing boutique/vintage shop. Said female will instead have a regular job - perhaps work as a solicitor or something - and will not throw launch parties for her new clothing line every other week. Neither will she have a vajazzle.
2. Nanny Pat is revealed to be the Essex equivalent of the Don.
So it turns out that innocent-looking Nanny Pat - she of the ironing board and the sausage plait - is in fact a crime lord who, effectively, runs Essex. Under her wrinkly gaze, some of the most ingenious crimes across the county have been executed: so ingenious, in fact, that we still have no idea quite what they were. But we are on to her. Consider this a warning, 'Nanny'.
3. Lydia's mum gets eaten by Mr Darcy.
That fateful Sunday morning all started off so normally: Lydia and Arg were just returning home from a walk through the countryside - via a double-date with Mario and Lucy and a quick visit to another boutique opening - when suddenly they heard a scream. Running up the front path to Lydia's house, they followed the sound of her mother's screams to the back garden. There, in the middle of the lawn, stood Mr Darcy - back for revenge following his cruel rejection from the family home and determined to claim what is rightfully his. A frond of Debbie's frizzy white-blonde hair hung from his jowls, and vague gurglings of 'Jaaames' could be heard every time he opened his mouth.
4. 'Jirk' become an actual couple.
Following their budding 'bromance' unfurling on screens across the country, Kirk and Joey - 'Jirk' to eager Twitter fans - finally tired of the girls they were pursuing and decided to instead start dating each other. Having so much in common - both being one half of Jirk, as well as a mutual love for tenuous fashion and casual chats by the kitchen worktop on any range of subjects (how to cook steaks, housewarming presents and what horse-power is, say) - it was the next natural step for their relationship to take. Viewers are just grateful that other, slightly-less-harmonious-sounding combinations didn't occur; for example, Jarg or Jark don't quite roll off the tongue in the same way.
5. A non-local arrives in Brentwood.
As we all know, everyone in Essex knows everyone else in Essex*, and so when locals first viewed the... creature... through binoculars from behind the frosted glass of the local tanning salon. What on earth was that...thing? It was wearing jeans and a rain coat, but it didn't appear to be wearing a shred of make-up, and its gender was indeterminable. Would it eat them? Did it have wings? Locals weren't certain. Unfortunately, Joey Essex accidentally ran it over when driving his mini Land Rover and the locals were unable to investigate further.
*proven fact