Dear small ones,
You are too young to understand these words right now and by the time you are, you might not want to listen to me. I hope you will.
First off, I love you. I truly love you both. I love that you came into my life and I love that you are still in it, despite any troubles we have gone through or will go through. I love that you become more like us everyday whilst developing your own personality. I love that you look at me without doubt that you are my children and I am your mummy.
I wish with all my heart that you had grown in my tummy, that I had journeyed those unborn months with you, I wish you had given me heartburn, sickness, pain and discomfort, I wish I had felt you kick your precious little feet from inside me and I wish I had experienced having you passed to me, red and screaming, still attached to nestle on my breasts. I wish I had breast fed you, I wish I had seen all your firsts up to the point I met you.
You were hard won. It took years to get you. it took scrutinising, training, talking, hoping ,fearing and waiting, so much waiting to finally have you in our lives.
Why did I adopt you? I must be honest, I wanted a family. I wanted children in our lives and I was not able to have children. We had a lovely life before you came along- we weren’t looking for you to make anything better or fix anything for us as a couple but I did want a family.
Why you? You weren’t they only children we considered. We looked at others, I don’t believe in fate, you weren’t fated to be ours- you were matched carefully to us. We were matched to other children too but we were not 100% right for them. We were deemed 100% right for you. Lots of people looked at your needs and your personalities and matched them to us. The more we get to know you, the more we feel that an excellent job as done in that respect. You were perfect for us- I hope we are perfect for you.
It wasn’t all roses. Having you enter our lives was really, really hard, the hardest thing either of us have ever done. It was no doubt so very hard for you too- this was your third house move in your little lives, I can’t even being to understand how scary this must have been. You called us ‘mummydaddy’ for a few weeks. You had watched us on DVD and looked at a book we had made you- we had known about you for 5 months, you had know about us for a few days. We were prepared to meet you, you had no idea really.
We grew together as a family. We learnt to live with each other and we learned what we all like and what we all struggled with in those first few months. You turned our lives upside down. Sometimes it was so hard I cried.
You are worth every moment of stress, fear, upset, despair and helplessness. You gave us moments of joy, laughter, happiness and pure love.
Your little lives have seen neglect and fear, darkness and confusion. I hope we have helped to fill it with light and happiness, we hope we are able to help you through the confusing times as you try to understand why you had to be taken away, why you had to leave you birth parent and why you don’t see siblings. We hope we can help you to realise none of it was your fault and that you deserved another chance at family life.
My darlings, balls of anger, my confused little bubbas, I love you, we love you.
Know that you are wanted, know that you are loved and know that we know you have so much to work through and understand and maybe never truly come to terms with. Know that we are here for you, whatever you call us, shout at us, throw at us...we signed up to be your parents and we will be that until our dying day.
I wanted you. I still do.
All my love,
Mummy