Wedding traditions and etiquette evolve over time as cultural norms change. Things that were popular when your parents or grandparents tied the knot may not make much sense to the couples and guests of today.
Sometimes these old rules have a way of sticking around long after they’re relevant. That’s why we asked etiquette experts and wedding planners which outdated wedding rules we no longer need to follow. Here’s what they told us:
Out: The bride must wear white.
Queen Victoria is often credited for popularizing the white wedding dress after she wore one at her 1840 nuptials to Prince Albert. Before that, “Wedding dresses in Europe actually came in all sorts of colors,” etiquette expert Nick Leighton, co-host of the “Were You Raised By Wolves” podcast, told HuffPost.
These days, white may still be the most common color choice for brides, but really anything goes: pink, gold, blue, floral and even black are all perfectly lovely.
“So feel free to wear whatever color you like on your wedding day,” Leighton said.
Out: The bridal party should wear matching attire.
The days of bridesmaids needing to wear the same (and often unattractive) dress is over. According to etiquette expert Thomas P. Farley, also known as Mister Manners, this tradition is actually ”a holdover from an ancient fear that spirits — or marauders — would come to the wedding and seek out the bride,” he said.
“At the time, bride and bridesmaids all dressed alike, and the sameness of their outfits was believed to confuse potential evil-doers,” Farley said.
Now couples can have their bridal parties dress however they please. That often means allowing them to wear outfits in different colors or styles that fit their individual budgets and body types.
“Coordinating color may instead be the plan — or coordinating hemlines or fabrics,” Farley said. “Alternatively, attendants may be instructed to wear whatever makes them happiest. Creativity and freedom now reign.”
Out: The wedding party should be divided by gender.
It used to be customary for a bride to have female bridesmaids and for a groom to have male groomsmen. But this is no longer the case. Now “anyone can have any role at a wedding, regardless of gender,” Leighton said. That means plenty of bridesmen, groomsmaids and flower boys are walking down the aisle these days.
“If Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney had filmed ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ today, chances are good that Jules would have been an attendant for Michael rather than for his bride — Jules’ nemesis-until-she-isn’t, Kimmy,” Farley said.
“And why not? Scrounging for attendants of the same gender when you have one or more super-close friends of the opposite gender is absurd, and now, gratefully, no longer a societally expected norm.”
Out: Guests shouldn’t wear the color black.
For years, wearing black to a wedding was viewed as a fashion faux pas — perhaps because the color is associated with funerals. (And that may still be the case in some cultures.)
“It used to be that black was only worn for mourning, and for female guests to wear black to a wedding was to throw some serious shade on the wedding couple,” etiquette expert Jodi RR Smith, president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting told HuffPost. “Nowadays, black eveningwear for women is considered very chic. No hidden messages at all.”
White, however, is still off the table unless the couple specifically requests otherwise.
Out: The bride’s parents should pay for the wedding.
The custom that says the bride’s parents foot the bill for the celebration evolved from the ancient dowry tradition, in which “the bride’s family transferred property or money to the husband or husband’s family upon marriage,” Cynthia Meyer, a certified financial planner, previously told Investopedia.com.
According to a 2022 survey from The Knot, on average, couples pay for 49% of the wedding costs themselves with their families often covering the rest. But that percentage is even higher for LGBTQ+ couples and Gen Xers.
“These days, the people getting married are more likely to be footing most — if not all — of the bill for the event,” Leighton said.
Out: The newlyweds doing a receiving line to greet their guests.
A receiving line is when the couple and their parents (and, in some cases, the bridal party) line up to greet guests, typically as they exit the ceremony. It’s a way for the newlyweds to make sure they get some face time with all of the people in attendance. But this custom has fallen out of favor in recent years and can be a “total party-killer,” said wedding planner Lori Stephenson.
“Yes, you want to thank all your guests for taking the time and energy to attend your wedding, but no one appreciates standing and waiting to say a brief hello when their time is more well spent enjoying your bar, appetizers, and gorgeous surroundings while mingling with other guests,” Stephenson, founder of Lola Event Productions, told HuffPost.
As an alternative, some couples choose to go table to table during dinner to say hello to everyone. Stephenson offered another out-of-the-box option for couples to consider: “Put on a fancy pre-ceremony outfit and bartend!”
“Welcome all your guests personally while pouring them a glass of bubbly or a signature cocktail and then disappear for a few minutes to change before you walk down the aisle,” she said. “Your guests will get a huge kick out of it, have fun saying hello and snapping photos.”
Out: The couple doing a bouquet and/or garter toss at the reception.
These once-popular traditions, that were said to predict which guests would be next to walk down the aisle, are now viewed in a less favorable light.
“The rallying cries of, ‘Let’s see all the single ladies’ and ‘Where are all of the eligible bachelors?’ for the traditional tosses of the bouquet and the garter belt are perceived as antiquated and unwanted by many modern couples,” Farley said.
“That awkward display of pushing and shoving on the dance floor, followed inevitably by the cringe-worthy sight of a single man being encouraged to go ‘higher and higher’ when pushing the garter belt up the leg of a single woman, who is often a perfect stranger, should have been retired long ago,” he said. “In a win for good taste, it does appear the garter ritual, at least, is on the wane.”
While the garter toss ritual used to be considered “highly amusing,” Smith said, “Nowadays wedding couples safely save their lingerie for the privacy of the honeymoon.”
Out: Guests should wait for the newlyweds to leave the reception.
There are two types of wedding guests: the ones who love to dance the night away until the DJ plays the last song and the ones who want to enjoy some dessert and then call it a night. In the past, folks in the latter group may have felt compelled to stay until the bitter end so as to not be seen as rude.
“It used to be the norm for guests to wait until after the couple departed from the celebration before leaving the party,” Smith said. “Nowadays, it is considered perfectly polite to exit the event after the wedding cake has been cut and dessert has been served.”