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We all want to please our partners, especially when it comes to sex. But what happens if a partner has a sexual fantasy that we don’t share?
This is the case for this week’s reader, Annabelle, whose fiancé has told her he’d like to engage in threesomes, with or without her.
She wrote in to explain: “It’s a deep desire and fantasy of his and he’s mentioned no one will stop him to make this fantasy come true. He explained we can participate together, or he’ll find two women who are willing to participate. He’s being honest but I still think it’s cheating if he’s willing to not involve me.”
She added: “I’ve had multiple threesomes in my past [...] maybe I’m not as excited [as] it would be his first time, so I don’t know if I’m being selfish or scared of losing him or that he’s willing to cheat.”
Clearly this is a hard situation for Annabelle, which is why we have Counselling Directory member Anthony Purnell at hand.
“At first glance it seems like a straight forward issue, however the fact that the reader has engaged in multiple threesomes in the past adds the dilemma for me,” Purnell says. “Men can sometimes feel intimidated if women seem to have had more sexual encounters or experiences.
“I first would be asking the reader how her fiancé responded when he learned about her past, did this make him feel insecure or did it give him the idea that the reader was still open to threesomes and when the reader denied this, he became frustrated and acted out.”
Where should we draw the line between doing something for our partner if it isn’t something we want to do?
“The short answer would be when the thing we are doing makes us feel uncomfortable or does not bring us joy. The reason we do nice things for our partners is because we love them, we want them to be happy and revel in their happiness, this also helps us feel closer and more connected to those we love,” Purnell says.
“However, when a partner makes a request that makes feel uncomfortable or we are doing something under duress then this has the opposite effect.”
Doing something purely to please your partner will not benefit the relationship in the long run, says Purnell.
“One partner’s joy becomes the others misery and this can cause the relationship to become unbalanced with one having their emotional needs met and the other denied theirs,” he adds.
What should the reader do about her fiancé’s fantasy?
The fiancé has said he’s happy to engage in a threesome outside of the relationship, so should the reader let him get on with it?
“I suppose it brings up the question of whether the fiancé is committed to the relationship or has different expectations in regard the rules of the relationship,” Purnell says.
“As couples we tend not to talk in the early stages of a relationship what we expect from our partners, for example if one partner feels there are in a monogamous relationship and the other a polyamorous one then this mismatch will cause problems further down the line.”
Ideally, early on in a relationship (and perhaps before you get engaged), Purnell says couples should check that they’re aligned on the non-comprisable issues, such as level of commitment (monogamous/non-monogamous), family expectations (children or no children) and their expectations/desires for sex.
“The argument here is not whether having sex with multiple partners is wrong, it is that if the rules of the relationship expect you to have only one sexual partner, then that wish should be respected,” Purnell says.
When asked if the reader should end the relationship Purnell said: “This decision unfortunately lies with the reader.
“It would be helpful for her to consider whether her partner is truly committed to the relationship, how she wants to be treated, what her boundaries are and if this constitutes a breach, then that is what it is and make a decision based on what she feels in her own best interest.”
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.
