In a far corner of Reddit, parents who regret having children gather to share their unflinchingly honest updates on life with kids – and how much they can’t stand it.
“I got to go to a doctor’s appointment by myself today, about a 40 minute drive from home. And the feeling of driving AWAY from my 18mo old at home with her dad was absolutely incredible,” wrote one parent on r/regretfulparents.
In a separate post, a mum revealed: “I wish I could be like other Mums who love their kids fully and deeply. I have always wanted a break from them. I find the whole concept suffocating and painful.”
The sub-Reddit, described as a “safe place for parents who think they shouldn’t have become parents to rant, confess, and get things off their chest”, has 157,000 members – and counting.
Here, parents are praised for being brutally honest about the low-lows of bringing kids into the world. Everyone is in unanimous agreement: parenting is extremely hard.
In a recent post, Reddit user theunderstudyy asked the masses: “Are there parents who absolutely hated being a mom/dad, disliked their kids but no longer feel that way? What changed if so?”
Here’s what other parents said... (and if you’re in the pits of parenting regret right now, perhaps this might help).
1. ‘My kid gives back so much more now’
“I‘m definitely a lot less regretful than I used to be. I guess my kid just gives back so much more now than she used to and sometimes she plays by herself for a bit, which just makes it so much easier. Also she’s started day care now and I’m finally getting a bit of my life back.”
– KatchUup
2. ‘She started to walk and talk’
“I’m about 100 times less regretful than I was the first year of my daughter’s life. It got exponentially better when she started to walk, and when she really learned to talk? Complete game changer.”
3. ‘I have time to myself’
“I’m getting less regretful. Things that have helped.. My children go to preschool all day. I have now how time to myself and to get many things in order during the day. Also, antidepressants.”
4. ‘He was less of a walking death wish’
“Way less regretful now. I think the baby and young toddler phase were extremely difficult, and trying to parent during COVID was absolutely brutal. I noticed things changing at around 2:
he was less of a walking death wish (no need to be so afraid of stairs and him putting every little thing in his mouth)
he could play alone a little
he started daycare
he learned to talk
“I still find parenting overstimulating at times, but my kid is a wonderful person. Smart, kind and funny. I enjoy watching him grow and change. And he is becoming more and more independent. So I guess it’s a mix of things becoming easier as he grows and also more fulfilling.”
5. ‘My kids getting older was the key’
“I would say it’s slowly getting better for me. My kids getting older was the key. In the fall the older two will be in school full time. I will be down to just taking care of the youngest, one on one. So yeah, as they get older they are able to do more things for themselves AND they are outside the home way more. Both those things were key for me.”
6. ‘A big part of it was an allergy which I didn’t know about’
“I am much less resentful now. I still have bad days/hours with my 4.5 year old, but on the whole they are infrequent feelings rather than frequent which they were up until a few months ago.
“I think a big part of it was an allergy which I didn’t know about which messed with his sleep for a year, and therefore behaviour, and my sleep ... Now we have determined he has a dust mite allergy through trial and error, put mitigations in place, he’s sleeping really well and behaviour is significantly better. Life feels a lot better.
“I can really see the light now and we have so much fun and laughs.”
7. ‘There’s so much more fun now’
“My daughter is now 5 and a half, and weekends have become so much easier. She used to have multiple big tantrums every day — it was exhausting. She’s still a handful, but I no longer feel regret.
“At 5 and a half, she’s actually starting to be funny and surprising. Ages 0 to 4 were really tough – and honestly, really boring. There are still hard days, of course, but there’s so much more fun now, and she’s becoming more independent.”
If you regret having kids...
According to clinical psychologist Emily Guarnotta, it’s certainly not unusual to regret becoming a parent and these emotions “do not make you a bad parent”.
By tackling it head on, though, you can improve your relationships with your children.
In a piece for Choosing Therapy, the psychologist urged parents to acknowledge their feelings and reflect on them. Connecting with parents who feel the same might also help, she suggested, as can trying to think of solutions to why you feel this way.
For instance, if you wish you had more time to yourself, is there a way to make this happen? Could you lean on friends, family members, or even a babysitter to take the kids for a few hours so you can do something you enjoy?
The expert added that it’s also key to remember that these negative feelings will eventually go away. “It may return again, but it never lasts forever,” she said.
Help and support:
- Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
- Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
- CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
- The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
- Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.