When you have kids, it can be all too easy for your relationship to get shoved to the side as you become lost in a cycle of nappy changes, feeding schedules, and collapsing in a heap the second your little one falls asleep.
It’s perhaps no surprise then that research conducted by Channel Mum found one fifth of couples break up during the first 12 months after welcoming a baby, with common reasons cited as lack of sex, reduced communication and constant arguments.
Such issues are often brought up on online forums where parents will vent or simply ask for advice on how to navigate a situation they were not, by any means, prepared for.
Just this week, a parent took to Reddit’s Beyond The Bump forum to share how their partner was approaching her six-week checkup after having a baby, which got them thinking about how and when they’d be able to have sex again.
“I have no idea how we’re going to have sex until the baby is in daycare at this point,” they said.
Fellow parents were forthcoming with advice and words of wisdom, with plenty of people saying they didn’t have sex until between six months and two years postpartum.
“I have no idea how we’re going to have sex until the baby is in daycare at this point.”
One parent recommended focusing on reconnecting through small moments of intimacy, rather than “obsessing over the details of how sex will happen”.
“Hold hands. Recognise the hard work the other person is doing to keep this tiny human alive. Cuddle. Hug. Kiss. That kind of stuff,” they explained.
“It’s hard to get back into sex when you’ve been in and are still largely in survival mode. It starts with those small moments of intimacy.”
Another parent advised: “Be the best parent and partner you can be, do as much housework and cleaning as possible, make life easier for your new family in all the ways you can. The dividends won’t be immediate. But they’ll be worth it.”
A relationship exercise if things get a bit stale
Nick Matiash (@nickmatiash), a life coach at The Evolved Man, recently took to TikTok to explain how being married with young kids is “challenging, to say the least” and shared some relationship advice for parents who feel like they’re constantly in “survival mode” – so basically, all of us.
His ‘relationship vision exercise’ involves breaking up the monotony of day-to-day life. To do this, you’ll need to pick a night within the next week where you and your partner will spend some intentional time together after your children have gone to sleep.
He urged couples to get their favourite snacks and drinks in, grab a pen and paper, “and start dreaming up what you want life to look like in five, 10, 15 years time”.
As a father of two young children (with another on the way) he acknowledged how the day-to-day chaos can “get you in this mindset of ‘let’s just get to the next day’”.
So, in this exercise, he wants parents to allow their imaginations to run wild – “think about where you want to go, where do you want to invest in property, what things do you want to do with your spouse, with your kids, and just really put it on paper together,” he said.
Next, it’s time to determine how you’re going to make time and space for these things to happen. Or as Matiash puts it: “What do we need to actively and consciously shift about how we’re living our life right now, so that we can actually make this happen?”
It might mean making a savings plan so you can go on a big trip, it might mean looking for properties and signing up for estate agent alerts in a different area, or it might mean figuring out how you can go on a date night together each week going forward (ie. finding a babysitter or being proactive with asking the in-laws for help).
“By this stage of the conversation you’re actually thinking about how to consciously create something with your partner and that’s way more exciting than just the chaos of the day-to-day stuff,” said Matiash.
“So use this exercise as a way to break out of the monotony and start having fun with your partner.”
Amen to that.