The over 50s are getting recognised for the horndogs they are as TV show My Mum, Your Dad proves there is a lot of steam left in the tank. Hosted by Davina McCall, the show put single parents together with a view of romance, whilst being spied on by their children.
Whatever you think of reality TV, it’s refreshing to see people over 50 look for love. Rarely — if ever, do we get to talk about sexuality and sex for older generations in a mainstream setting. And, as it turns out, there’s a lot to look forward to.
According to a recent survey conducted by Lovehoney, 44% of people aged over 55 often have sexual fantasies that include having sex with someone they know isn’t their partner. While 38% are dreaming about oral sex and 27% are feeling raunchy over the idea of sex with a stranger. And, 24% are thinking about threesomes and group sex.
Elisabeth Neumann, User Research Manager at Lovehoney and qualified sexologist says: “Sex over the age of 50 can be just as enjoyable and fulfilling as it is when we’re 25 and if not more so. Much like a fine wine, sex can often get better as we age.”
She’s not wrong. A study by sexual wellness brand Lelo found that 70% of people over the age of fifty had noticed an improvement in their sex lives from when they were younger.
“We’re much more confident and familiar with our bodies and much more inclined to be vocal with communicating our desires and needs,” Neumann says.
“This also leads to us feeling freer to pursue our own desires and less dictated by the normative sexual scripts we grew up with, telling us what good or proper sex is.”
However sexual frequency can enter a decline in middle age. For women, going through the menopause can decrease sexual desire and function. So, from around the ages of 40s-50s, women may notice a decline. However, having sex can reduce your menopausal symptoms.
A ten year study has revealed that women who had sex at least once a week were 28% less likely to experience menopause symptoms. In summary, the more sex you have, the more moist you will stay.
For men, its a little different. They may feel a shift in their sexual energy between the ages of 50-60 – though everyone’s experience is unique to them.
“If you find yourself dealing with decreasing libido or changes in sexual function, don’t hesitate to seek support,” advises Neuman.
She suggests trying intimate kissing as a way to bring the spark back to life. “Exploring each other’s bodies, and oral, these are all great ways to build sexual tension and libido while simultaneously getting closer to your partner,” she says.
Sexual dysfunction can also hinder our ability to have sex as we get older, affecting relationships and mental health. Impotence can also be indicative of underlying health conditions, so seeking your GPs advice could heal more than your sex life.
For women, some forms of sexual dysfunction can be caused by pain.
Neumann recommends using lube to help ease the friction, and that we shouldn’t feel ashamed of needing it: “Using lubrication during sex is essential for any age group, but particularly for over 50s, as it reduces friction and makes sex more enjoyable.”
She also advises to focus on pleasure, and not penetration. For most women, penis in vagina sex (PIV) isn’t the be all and end all. Only around 18.4% of women come from vaginal sex alone. Focusing on hand sex, playing with sex toys, anal play and oral is just as valid as penetrative sex. And for women, it can be a lot more pleasurable too.
Positions, please!
If you want to get the best out of penetration, experts believe that women on top is the best position for reaching the big-O. In this position, the woman can control the depth and pace and alleviate some of the pain caused by menopause.
Coming in second (pun absolutely intended) is missionary with an added support. While ‘added support’ doesn’t sound like the sexiest thing, but for those experiencing sciatica, this may be needed. Suffering from sciatica is most common in those aged between 46-64 years old and affects 40% of the UK population. Those suffering with this may feel more pain bending forward so lying on their back with a pillow underneath is a good adjustment to alleviate the pressure on the back.
Lying on your side takes third place. This position helps you to control how deep your partner can go if you are experiencing vaginal pain. This also helps increase the feelings of closeness and is fantastic for those suffering from knee pain with no weight needed. So cuddle up and get humping.
In fourth position is doggy as it uses large muscle groups so people are not relying on a part of their body that may have become weaker. This position also benefits men who have suffered from prostate issues — or have softer erections, as it creates a tighter feeling of penetration.
Reverse cowgirl comes in fifth but is a fantastic option for those wanting to add a little spice while looking after their body. The partner lying down does not need to move and the partner on top can slide gently up and down. For those partners who both suffer from lower back pain, this could be the best option.
Total Shape commented on the findings of its study into the best sex positions, saying: “Sex as an older adult has been found to improve our mental and physical health. Benefits include a lowered blood pressure due to physical contact; an immune system boost…and it can even reduce the risk of prostate cancer for men.”
While it’s normal to want to slow things down, that doesn’t mean you have to stop altogether. If things aren’t shifting like they used to, try switching it up and work on what works for you. Focus on the feel good, not what you think you should do to feel good. And, take your limitations into account. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, and a lot more pleasure to uncover.