Over the last 12 months, I’ve been recovering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This was brought about by a pre-existing condition and exacerbated through working abroad under difficult circumstances. I don’t regret working in these regions, but I wish I knew more about self-care, a hugely ignored topic.
The mind is like a building in that without proper maintenance, it begins to crumble. A recording instrument, the mind backs up everything it encounters in order to process and react accordingly to the challenges we may face in the future. It’s subconsciously racking up a plethora of experiences like an immune system. Once exposed, it determines how best to think and interpret situations should you encounter them again. But if we ignore what we see, we cast it aside to the back of the subconscious, superficially glossing over what it means to us individually.
The last time I visited a country affected by conflict was in April 2018. My body had already categorised gunfire and impoverished areas as a normal part of life. During intervals of working in conflict zones I was asked to visit Paris, and while on board a Metro train, a man pulled a large knife on another passenger. Many screamed, running to the other side of the carriage. I unflinchingly stood by doing nothing. My mind, having interpreted this as an everyday occurrence, didn’t tell me to run. It was stupid for me to stay so close by and at this point I realised that something might be wrong.
After this visit I needed a break from my work, and with that admission, my mind began to change. The 5 November came, and then New Year’s Eve, and I couldn’t stand the sound of fireworks. I bit into my pillow throughout the night, pushing my fingers into my ears while my heart committed to a pounding rhythm. Other nights, I woke up to the sound of my own blood pumping. Soon after, a shooting range opened nearby, edging the authenticity of war even closer.
Paranoia settled into my everyday life. I downloaded private browsers, deleted information I did not need to delete, and was cautious of what I wrote in emails and on Facebook. I began to lose certain memories and needed a full day, sometimes even a week to remember what I’d forgotten. Some memories from the field were lost altogether. I felt guilty about the things I had witnessed and for leaving behind the people I met and became friends with. The fact I could leave at any time, but they are unable to, played in my mind over and over again. The cycle of worry, guilt, worry tired me into bed.
Having exhausted everything else – from meditation to trail running, you name it, I did it – I referred myself to a psychotherapist and counsellor. It was the last option on the table and should have been my first.
She put things into perspective, exploring every avenue until we found that cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and exposure therapy was the best course of action. PTSD and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) were the common denominators for what I was experiencing, and it wasn’t long before I began to integrate what we discussed at great length into my life.
Knowing what I know now, I ask my friends and colleagues to be mindful of their day-to-day lives and reflect and talk about it with people who they trust. For freelancers working in news and NGOs, there is little support. Understanding what we have been through with one another is imperative.
What I didn’t know beforehand was that I had normalised what I witnessed and that the effects of your time will not be felt in the field, but when you return home. I thought I was fine, until one day something unexpectedly changed.
Although I am recovering and almost past the finish line, the damage has been done and it will take years for me to be fully at peace with myself. The anxieties still remain, paranoia intermittently transpires. Before anyone decides on their duties as a newsgatherer or humanitarian, firstly think about what you are undertaking and how you will support yourself. What support network do you have? What self-care will you practice? Your experiences may manifest as mental health issues years in the future. And if so, ensuring you are able to tackle them before they tackle you is the best form of self-care imaginable.