One of the toughest â and often most traumatic â experiences in life is grief, a part of our journey that impacts everyone and doesnât get any easier the more times you go through it.
âGrief is a universal and human experience,â said Christina Zampitella, the founder of the Center for Grief and Trauma Therapy in Delaware who also has a grief-focused podcast called âPhoenix Rising With Dr. Z.â But, unlike many other universal experiences, grief is not anticipated or straightforward.
âItâs your natural response to loss. Thatâs a simple answer, but, of course, itâs not a simple experience,â said Dr. M. Katherine Shear, director of the Center for Prolonged Grief at Columbia University in New York.
Grief shows up differently for everyone and changes depending on what activates it, whoâs around and a personâs state of mind, Shear added. Its complexity means there is no grief road map â it looks different for everyone, which means there is no way of knowing how itâll impact you until it does.
But while grief is different for everyone, there are commonalities, Shear added. One of those commonalities is that there are things you can do to move through your grief and help yourself feel even just a little bit better. Here, experts share the things you can do to take care of yourself as youâre grieving.
Understand that there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
âThe first thing is to be sure not to second-guess grief,â Shear said. âWe want to kind of let it be and not worry about whether weâre grieving in the right way or not.â
In other words, you are never grieving âwrongâ â however youâre feeling is right for you. So, if youâre worried your grief isnât normal, put that thought out of your head. (One exception is if youâre doing something dangerous to grieve â like drinking too much or driving recklessly. That is an unhealthy way to cope.)
She added that grief is not something we can control, either, so any thoughts or feelings youâre having are valid. âMaybe get interested in [the thoughts] or maybe not take [them] too seriously, but donât try to control it because grief is not really all that controllable, honestly,â she said.
Make sure your basic needs are met.
Taking care of yourself by sleeping, eating, drinking water, exercising, resting and practicing proper hygiene are all necessary parts of self-care, according to Zampitella. Your body wonât feel any better if you arenât eating three meals a day or if youâre skipping crucial aspects of your routine.
Thereâs no doubt that some of these so-called basic things may feel like a challenge for you in the early phases of grief, but itâs important to try to prioritize yourself â even if that means missing a step in your regular skin care routine (thatâs OK) or skipping breakfast to get some extra sleep.
Allow yourself to put your grief aside.
âWe need to have periods of being with our grief, even though itâs painful, because pain doesnât necessarily mean itâs bad ⊠and we also need respite,â Shear said.
Itâs necessary to both feel the pain of grief and allow yourself to take breaks because that pain is a lot to cope with, she added.
âTry to commit to taking some time every day, even just five minutes ... just some time every day to do something a little bit pleasant,â Shear said.
And this means doing something as pleasant as you can manage â it doesnât have to be going to happy hour with friends or treating yourself to a spa day. It can mean watching a funny YouTube video or making yourself your favorite tea.
âDo it and make it almost like a ritual ... you can think of it almost as a way of honoring the love the person who died had for you because you know thatâs what they would want for you,â she said.
Be careful of what you say yes to.
While youâre in the early stages of grief, you canât expect yourself to show up as you always have for friends and family, Zampitella said.
â[Make] sure that youâre very intentional with what youâre saying no and what youâre saying yes to,â she added. While you still have to do necessary things like getting your kids to school or paying your electric bill, you shouldnât take on things that arenât essential.
Instead of saying yes to things that feel like too much, let yourself lean into your grief, Zampitella said. Oscillating back and forth between grief and the dayâs necessities can help you move through your grief in a healthier manner, she said.
Additionally, Shear said, you should avoid anything new for the most part â âunless itâs something you really want to do and that fits into having some pleasant time.â
Things that are not rewarding or that are stressful should be put on the back burner, she said. When youâre actively grieving, âitâs not the best time to take on new tasks or do anything challenging,â she said.
Find ways to express your emotions, like journaling.
According to Zampitella, it can be helpful to find outlets to express how youâre feeling. This could include listening to music, doing crafts or journaling.
She noted that when it comes to journaling for grief, there are time parameters that can help you effectively cope. Zampitella recommends journaling for four days a week for 20 minutes. (More than 20 minutes can cause you to get flooded with emotion while less than that amount of time wonât allow you to get into the practice, she said.)
Try mindfulness.
âLearning mindfulness and meditation techniques are a really nice way of being able to hold your feelings without getting swallowed up by them,â Zampitella said. And when it comes to meditation, you donât have to commit to long periods of time â even just five minutes of meditation is a good way to practice mindfulness, she said.
Zampitella added that another good mindfulness practice is yoga, which impacts peopleâs well-being in a different way than other forms of exercise. Spending time in nature is another option.
âWhen youâre in nature, youâre away from man-made objects â that gives you a sense of getting away,â she said. Also, you have things to hold your attention, like streams or trees or birds, but these things also donât completely divert your attention, which allows you to think about the loss in your life, Zampitella noted.
Learn how to narrate the story of your loved oneâs death.
âAn important one is to be able to narrate a story of the death, to be able to tell a story of what happened,â Shear said.
This will help you be prepared to talk about it and be ready to answer one of the biggest questions youâll hear.
âPeople usually do this very naturally. Their friends and family will say, âOh, what happened?â and theyâll tell the story, and thatâs a part of what you need to do is be able to tell yourself and other people what happened,â she said.
Death is one of the most salient moments in someoneâs life, Shear added. Being able to tell the story of your loved oneâs passing is a way to honor them and also wonât allow you to block out this important moment.
Reach out to loved ones when you need support.
âYouâll notice that often thereâs a lot of support, especially in those first three months, but it will wane because things change,â Zampitella said.
When you find that support is dwindling, donât be afraid to tell your friends and family that you need them.
Additionally, Zampitella noted, if a loved one says something that bothers you â for example, if they say âyour loved one is in a better placeâ and you donât want to hear that â donât be afraid to let them know that thought isnât helpful. At that moment, try sharing the things that would be helpful, whether thatâs telling stories about your loved one or just letting you cry.
If youâre really struggling, seek help.
Death and grief are some of the most stressful things we experience in life, Shear said.
While coping with grief is possible, some folks will require more support. Zampitella said some signs that you may need additional help include not being able to accept the loss, not engaging in any future goals and not reconfiguring the relationship with the person who died.
Also, if you find that youâre unable to meet your basic needs (like if you arenât eating, sleeping or bathing), you may want to reach out for professional help. There are grief therapists who can help you feel better.
You can search for one via Psychology Todayâs therapist database or Google therapy groups in your area that specialize in grief. âThereâs no shame in getting help. Thereâs help available,â Shear said.
And know that grief is ongoing.
âDeath is permanent, and so grief is also permanent,â Shear said. âWe donât stop having some response to that loss â in other words, we still feel it.â
As time goes on, your grief will change, she said. In the long run, it usually quiets down and moves into the background, but itâs still there.
You may feel your grief pop up around your loved oneâs birthday, around the holidays or when visiting their favorite restaurant. Know that if itâs been years and years since you lost a loved one and you wake up feeling down one day, that is perfectly normal.