12 Stages Of Having Sex When You Have Children

Becoming a parent brings with it a lot of new experiences: losing count of the times you’ll watch ‘Frozen’, never using the toilet alone again, and having parent sex.

Oh yeah, it’s a whole different ball game.

1. It is initiated with a single look over the dinner table.

A look that says: “I’ll put on an episode of Peppa Pig”.

2. Weighing up whether it is worth it or you’d rather just watch Bake Off.

And there is that tub of Ben & Jerrys in the fridge.

3. Accepting that if you do you’ll be interrupted at some point.

Children need to learn to knock.

4. You have become masters of silent sex.

A skill that should be taught on all prenatal courses.

5. You wear all your clothes throughout.

Pyjamas covered in mashed potato are bringing sexy back.

6. And always ensure full duvet coverage.

It will save your bacon more than once.

7. Foreplay is definitely a thing of the past.

Time is of the essence here.

8. The whole thing never lasts longer than five minutes.

Or however long you can distract the kids with an iPad.

9. Someone always lies on a rogue piece of LEGO at a crucial moment.

Nothing like a constant reminder that children are nearby.

10. Then you hear the tap of tiny footsteps.

Abort mission.

11. Honestly, we weren’t doing what you thought we were, it was just a special parent dance.

That will possibly scar you for life...

12. But the guilt is written all over your face.

How long till they move out?