You’re reading Love Stuck, where trained therapists answer your dating, sex and relationship dilemmas. You can submit a question here.
How often you have sex can ebb and flow in a longterm relationship, but this week, we heard from a reader who’s concerned by the length of his dry spell.
Jacob wrote in to say he hasn’t had sex with his wife for two years. Before that time, when they were having sex, his wife struggled to orgasm. He asked for advice on how to deal with it all.
Registered counsellor and counselling directory member Jenny Warwick tells Jacob (and others) we shouldn’t get bogged down in ideas about how often you should have sex, or what it should look like.
″“There can be a lot of outside pressure to make you feel like you’re not having enough sex (like comparing yourself to friends, media or porn),” she says.
“We see a picture that makes us feel that everyone is having mind-blowing sex all the time, and that just isn’t the reality. Typically, sex will become less of a focus in a relationship over time.”
What advice would you give this reader?
Warwick says Jacob needs to bite the bullet and speak to his wife about this.
“If you are both satisfied with how much sex you’re having, there’s nothing to worry about,” she says. “Sex in a relationship becomes a problem when you and your partner’s desire for physical intimacy is out of balance. To find this out you need to have an open and honest conversation with each other.”
Wanting to feel attractive and desired by your partner is perfectly natural to desire in a relationship, she adds. “Without this, you might well end up feeling starved of love and affection, which is something we all need whether in a relationship or not. ”
What are some reasons why some couples stop having sex?
Physical or mental health conditions can impact desire or your ability to have sex.
“Being stressed, tired and anxious will have an impact on your sex drive as can depression. Some medications may impact libido,” says Warwick.
“There might be outside factors – becoming parents can be a big one! It’s common to have a reduction in sex drive due to pregnancy or while breastfeeding.”
When you initiate the conversation, she recommends asking each other if this is likely to be temporary or longer-lasting. And if you are both willing to stick this out, how long for?
“It may be a symptom of a bigger issue in the relationship,” she says. “You may feel that you’ve grown apart. You might not even like each other anymore and there’s constant criticism or arguing.”
How can this couple take the steps towards having sex again?
The first step to addressing this issue is addressing the elephant in the room, Warwick says. “Have an honest conversation. Work out how each of you feels about how much sex or physical intimacy you have in your relationship.”
“It might not be the lack of sex that’s key, but the inability to address the challenges in your relationship. You need to be willing to look a little deeper.”
You should also think about ways of rekindling intimacy – and sex may naturally follow. Organise a date night, and tell your partner what you love about them.
“Think about scheduling sex,” Warwick suggests. “It might not sound very romantic but it’s a great way to stop sex falling by the wayside and make sure you’re making time for each other (which is definitely romantic!)”
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.