'Should I Break Up With My Partner If I'm Doubting Our Future Together?'

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When you’re in a relationship with someone, thinking about the future with them should be exciting. So what happens when you start to have worries about the road ahead?

This week’s reader Carol wrote in to ask: “If you’re doubting your future together, is the relationship over?”

Having doubts about the future of your relationship can be confusing, especially if you’re in a long term relationship.

But Counselling Directory member Beverley Blackman believes that having doubts about a relationship is normal. “It shows you are considering and therefore caring about the way in which your relationship is going, rather than just existing in it day-to-day,” she says.

What should you do if you’re doubting the future of a relationship?

“If we’re having doubts it’s a good idea to give yourself some time to consider the doubts mindfully,” says Blackman.

“What are they made up of? Is it something your partner is doing or not doing and if so, is this something you have addressed or communicated about? Does your partner know that it bothers you?”

The most common reason people doubt relationships according to Blackman is fear of intimacy. “If being more committed sets off a series of doubts and questions in your head, then these are things that you need to both understand and address,” she says.

“Do you doubt that your partner loves you or wants to be with you – how do they show this? How do you show it? If you have doubts about whether you are ‘good enough’ to be in this relationship, then perhaps, deep down, it is your self-esteem or lack of confidence in yourself to be a lovable person that is causing the difficulty. ”

“Sometimes we do have difficulty believing that our partner loves us, especially if we are hard on ourselves and have high expectations of our capacity to be in a relationship.”

Past experiences can crop up in current relationships and cause doubt about ourselves and our capacity to have a relationship, and our partner.

“Often this can go right back to childhood and with exploration, we find that there was a significant adult who was, for example, emotionally unavailable,” says Blackman. “We often replicate this unconsciously when choosing a partner as we will be attracted to the same ‘hallmarks’.”

If you can’t see a future with your partner, should you break up?

“All relationships hit rocky periods every now and again,” Blackman says. “The main cornerstone of every relationship is the ability to communicate with your partner on a deep level and to share feelings and insecurities with them.

“Often this will help you see where the difficulties lie - whether it is something they are doing, or whether it is some thing in your own head.”

Blackman asks: “If there is something deeper than just understanding what makes both of you tick, do you struggle with the idea of communicating with your partner? If so, why? Conflict is something that often brings about fear, as is the capacity to be vulnerable about your feelings with someone.”

If you’re struggling to communicate your feelings and needs, Blackman says it might be worth spending some time with a therapist.

“Relationships are not easy things – no-one ever sees Cinderella and the Prince argue! - and they do require a lot more work than perhaps people give them credit for,” she says. “So it is worth seeking some support to understand your doubts and insecurities if they persist.”