In a 2020 YouGov poll, 38% of mothers and 14% of fathers said they thought having kids hurt their careers.
That can take the form of reduced hours, taking fewer opportunities, and leaving the workplace entirely, respondents shared. “All of these factors tend to lead to stagnating or lower pay,” YouGov added.
In a now-deleted Reddit post, a site user asked members of r/AITAH (Am I The A**hole Here) whether that trade-off deserved financial compensation from their spouse.
So, we spoke to divorce lawyer and CEO of OW Lawyers Michelle O’Neil about whether the demands were fair.
A father wants a share of his wife’s property in return for becoming a stay-at-home dad
The post author said his pregnant wife, who makes substantially more money than he does, told him he was expected to become a stay-at-home dad when their first child was born.
The suggestion – which had not been discussed with the father beforehand – left the poster uneasy because he didn’t like how that might play out in the event of a divorce.
When he brought this up to his wife, he suggested she offer him a share of her property as a safety net in return for the career stagnation, lack of pay, and financial insecurity the lifestyle change could expose him to.
She didn’t seem comfortable with the arrangement, leading the poster to wonder whether or not his demands were unfair.
A divorce lawyer said his demand makes sense
O’Neil said that in her decades-long career, she’s seen firsthand “how decisions like this can create significant financial disadvantages for the spouse who steps away from their career”.
“While becoming a stay-at-home parent is a deeply personal decision, it must be made with full awareness of the long-term financial risks,” she continued, “particularly in the event of a divorce.”
Additionally, the divorce lawyer calls the discussion – or lack thereof – around the change a “red flag”.
“When one spouse dictates a major life change rather than engaging in a collaborative discussion, it often signals deeper power imbalances in the relationship which lead to bigger issues,” she told HuffPost UK.
“Decisions about career sacrifices, parenting roles, and financial security should be mutual, not unilateral.”
Explaining that staying home to look after a child can lead to a loss of earning potential, a smaller pension, a lack of asset equality, and financial dependence, O’Neil said the husband’s request for equity in the home is “a smart negotiation move”.
Though not everyone can offer a share of their home to mitigate those risks, the divorce lawyer advised: “Marriage is a partnership, and both spouses’ contributions – financial and otherwise – must be valued and protected.
“If one spouse makes a career sacrifice, the financial risks should be acknowledged and mitigated before the decision is made, not after.”