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Picture this: it’s Christmas day, you’re surrounded by family members, you can smell a well-roasted turkey and Driving Home For Christmas is blasting in the background. Sounds like heaven, right? Not necessarily if you’re single.
Many single people dread Christmas day, because they have to anticipate the questions they’ve avoided answering for months. “Why are you still single?”, “when are you going to settle down?” and “how’s the love life?” are all invasive questions we’d rather not answer while we’re tucking into our dinner.
If you’re worried about dodging conversations about your relationship status during the festive season, the experts are here to help.
Why do families always ask you why you’re single around Christmas?
Psychotherapist Beverley Blackman says family gatherings have unconscious connotations with “the circle of life”, and this is why these questions often arise at Christmas.
“It’s assumed that life is better in a partnership, and that the partnership is part of that circle of life,” adds Blackman, who’s a Counselling Directory member. “Given this, it can be hard to be single at Christmas, especially if you also ascribe to the idea of life being better as a couple.
“When the expectation is that you should be happily coupled up and you aren’t, you are clearly not meeting societal expectations (or your own) – and it can be a small step from there to the notion that you are disappointing your family by remaining single. But it isn’t their choice whether you are single or not – it’s yours.”
How can you respond to questions like this?
It depends whether you are up for a deep and meaningful conversation with your relatives over sherry and mince pies, Blackman says.
If so, then you can venture to explain the fundamentals of why you believe singledom is better, or explain that you’ve tried dating but haven’t met a partner this year.
However, at Christmas, surrounded by relatives, you might want to keep it light and reply with something like: “Because there’s more turkey/wine/chocolate/spending money for you!”
How can you focus on your own wellbeing if you’re struggling with being single at Christmas?
“Christmas can be a hard time if you are in the mindset that you should be coupled up and you aren’t. There will be a lot of misgivings, a sense of loneliness, a sense of standing out in a way you don’t want to,” says Blackman.
“But it’s also a time whereby you can be a little indulgent with yourself if you want to be. Spoil yourself a bit. Spend as much or as little time with family as suits you. Spend time with people who mean something to you; people who accept you for you, love you whether you are single or not.”
Do things that make you feel good – lie in, cook yourself the thing you’ve been meaning to try cooking for ages, go for that run, or go on that frosty walk and appreciate the scenery around you. Practice gratitude for all that you do have and focus on that, rather than struggling with what you do not have.
“Buy yourself a to-me-from-me-with-love gift,” suggests Blackman. “After all, if you cannot spoil yourself a little at Christmas, when can you? Take care of yourself – you are worth spoiling a bit.”
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.
