Though there might be some variation from fight to fight, I think it’s safe to say most of us have our own ‘typical’ responses to conflict.
Some shy away from the argument. Others double down on their point. Still more leave the situation entirely (guilty as charged, your honour).
Recently, TikToker and leadership coach Olesya Luraschi shared a video about this specific response. “Do you have a partner that just stops talking to you during a conflict?”, she asks. “Do they maybe... leave the room, or... just completely close down?”
This, she says, is called stonewalling. Here’s how it happens, and how to deal with the phenomenon:
Anyone can stonewall you
Luraschi shares that it’s not just your partner who can give you this form of cold shoulder. “Anyone can stonewall anyone,” the coach says. “It can be a colleague, a boss, a parent, etc..”
All that matters is that the person involved chooses to flee the situation rather than stay to work through any issues. “The reason this happens is because this individual goes into a freeze response during the conflict,” Luraschi says.
She goes on to explain that their nervous system “gets so amped up that they cannot handle the conflict. They cannot handle all the negative emotions that are surfacing, and they completely freeze.”
Their freezing takes the form of them leaving the situation entirely, the coach adds.
OK, but ― why?
Let’s face it ― very few of us like conflict. But for some of us, tensions might feel more unbearable than for others.
As Luraschi says, their nervous system can become overwhelmed and they “just need to stop the conflict completely.”
For some people, she says, the only way they know to do this is through leaving entirely. “Granted, this is incredibly hurtful to the other individual involved,” she acknowledges.
What can I do about it?
Well, the person doing the stonewalling is (obviously) responsible for their own behaviour. Luraschi suggests that the stonewaller should try to become aware of what’s happening when they shut people out.
She adds that blaming yourself isn’t helpful, as many stonewallers feel guilty for their actions. “Just realise that this is essentially a physical, like almost like a biological, process that happens,” the coach says.
So, recognising the physical symptoms that lead up to the phenomenon can be helpful. These can include an increased heart rate, teeth grinding, sweaty palms, and more.
Once the stonewaller has noticed these signs, it’s on them to communicate that with their partner, Luraschi shared. “And they need to be able to communicate that they need space and time to process the negative emotions ― to re-regulate their nervous system.”
While she says that the responsibility to change lies on the shoulders of the stonewaller, this can be difficult as stonewalling is a coping mechanism and safety response for some.
So, if you’re dealing with a stonewaller, taking an almost scientific approach to the conflict might help, Luraschi suggests. Pointing out changes and telling your partner “Look, I think our nervous system is getting super unregulated during this conflict, and I completely understand why this could happen, but maybe you can communicate with me before the stonewalling happens” could help.
Here’s the whole video: