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When you’re non-confrontational, it can be tough to stand up to people – especially family members who have a history of making unkind comments.
But once you become a parent, it is so crucial that you do.
One person shared how they recently stood up to their sister and told her to stop commenting on her baby’s “flaws”.
The mum took to r/Parenting on Reddit to explain that her sister kept making “lighthearted but persistent jokes” about her baby’s physical features.
This included “mentioning his protruding ear, his ‘receding hairline’, and even a nonexistent ‘bump’ on his nose”.
The parent went on to explain that growing up, she was teased by her siblings (“especially my sister”) about her looks, taste in music and fashion.
“It took me years to build enough confidence to tune out her comments. Even now, her equally judgmental husband questions why I do my makeup a certain way or listen to certain podcasts,” she said.
Understandably, she didn’t want that same cycle to continue with her baby.
“I had planned to address it in person, but after she made another comment on a photo I posted [online], I decided to say something right then,” she said.
“I told her, “No more bringing up his ear tho lol. I don’t want him growing up hearing critiques about his appearance and getting self-conscious about things’.”
The parent said her sister responded with the thumbs up emoji – and that was that.
“I know she’s probably annoyed and rolling her eyes, but I have to stand up for my baby. If there’s a next time, I won’t be so nice,” the user, known as Glittering-Silver402, added.
The comments section was awash with people applauding her for taking a stand. But some suggested she could be more assertive.
One respondent said: “I would like for you to take a moment and reflect on all your sister has said to you while you were growing up. Think of how each of these things she said made you feel.
“Now, think of what you would have wanted someone to say to her in those moments. Say that to her when she comments on your child. Be the person you didn’t have. EVERY time, not just sometimes. Don’t let her continue this harm onto your children.”
Of course, it’s not just babies who may face mean remarks from family members – toddlers, young children and even teens might be on the receiving end of such comments.
If you’re a parent and you’re facing this predicament with a friend or family member, we spoke to Anna Mathur, psychotherapist and author of Raising A Happier Mother, about exactly how to respond.
What to say if someone makes comments about your child’s appearance that don’t sit right
First up, Mathur suggests setting a clear boundary right away. The therapist says: “It’s OK to politely but firmly shut down comments that could shape a child’s self-perception negatively.”
You could try saying something like: “We don’t talk about appearances like that” or “let’s focus on what really matters”, which can help to redirect the conversation.
The same goes for standing up for yourself if people make comments about your body.
“Children pick up on how we respond. If we brush off or laugh along with unkind remarks, they may internalise the idea that their appearance is up for discussion,” warns the therapist.
“Showing confidence in our own bodies helps them do the same. In addition, when they hear us advocate for ourselves and others in holding boundaries, it empowers them to do that for themselves too.”
When you speak to your child in private, it’s also important to help protect their developing self-image with positive comments.
“Even if they don’t react outwardly, they absorb the way people speak about them,” says Mathur.
“A private reassurance like, ‘I love your ears just as they are’ or ‘your body is exactly as it should be’ can help balance or counteract any negativity they’ve heard.”
According to Big Life Journal, a popular Instagram account offering parenting advice, for every negative comment you, or in this case, someone else, makes about your child, you should then balance it out with three positive ones.
“Scientists discovered that it takes three positive experiences to offset one negative experience,” they wrote in an Instagram post.
If people do repeatedly make comments that aren’t OK, it’s perfectly acceptable to be direct – even if it will make things a bit uncomfortable.
Mathur suggests trying something like: “I’d really appreciate it if we didn’t comment on [child’s name]’s looks. I want them to feel confident in themselves.”
She continues: “Most people don’t mean harm, but normalising this kind of talk can have long-term effects. Placing a boundary may even prompt valuable reflection by the person who made the comment.”
The therapist notes that while addressing these comments might feel awkward, especially with family or friends who think they’re being lighthearted, in the long run “your child’s self-worth is far more important”.
She concludes: “Standing up for them teaches them that they are worth advocating for – and that’s a lesson that lasts a lifetime.”