Back in April, Twitter user @justky1018 offered some sex advice that was downright revelatory.
“When men learn the vibrator is their teammate and not the competition, society will heal,” Ky wrote, channeling the sagacity of a Dr. Ruth or a Sue Johanson, only younger.
It’s true. It would probably be easier to retroactively stop global warming and prevent all future global pandemics than it would be to convince some guys to embrace the vib.
It’s depressing, too, because bringing a vibrator or dildo into the bedroom could pay off dividends for them and obviously benefit their partners. Between 70% to 90% of women are unable to achieve an orgasm with penetration alone.
According to a recent Indiana University study conducted in partnership with OMGYes, when it comes to getting off, clitoral stimulation ― something a vibrator can easily provide ― is a must for at least 36% of women.
Men should see vibrators as the answer to their prayers and a labour-saving device, but that’s rarely the case, according to Eric Marlowe Garrison, a certified sex counsellor in Richmond, Virginia. Instead, too many feel threatened by the simple sex toy.
“My clients believe that you have to be a superhero to compete with a vibrator,” he tells HuffPost. “The Flash can outrun a car. Superman can outfly a plane. Aquaman can speed past a boat. Why can’t a man compete with a vibrator? Basically, they figure a toy from Good Vibes will leave you feeling bad vibes.”
In our interview with him, it’s quickly apparent that Garrison has a way with metaphors: “I tell couples, of all sexes, even the most talented chef will rely on a mandolin or a food processor now and then – or all the time,” he also says.
These are all good points, but aversion to sex toys continues. Maybe it’s because vibrators do tend to kill the vibes for guys. One fairly large representative study of US men found that heterosexual guys who had used a vibrator with their partner reported lower levels of sexual satisfaction than guys who had never used a sex toy with a partner.
The researchers didn’t offer a definite conclusion as to why that might be, but they suggested that most straight men who had used vibrators with a partner reported doing so to increase their partner’s pleasure, not their own.
“I like to remind guys that you can’t get addicted to a vibrator and that puts their minds at ease.”
- Sex therapist Sandi Kaufman
The sad reality is this: partners in heterosexual relationships – both men and women ― don’t put a premium on women’s pleasure during sex. Straight women statistically get off less than any other demographic, including lesbians, which has led to the so-called “orgasm gap.” (Speaking of those orgasm-giving lesbians, we once asked them for advice on how to get a woman off orally. Read it.)
Kenneth Play, a sex educator and the author of Beyond Satisfied: A Sex Hacker’s Guide to Endless Orgasms, Mind-Blowing Connection, and Lasting Confidence, has a more generous read of the sex toy study and men’s reluctance to use vibrators.
It’s not that they don’t care if their partners get off – well, in most cases. In fact, it’s a huge win for their ego when they’re successful – they just don’t want to outsource the job. They’d like to provide the pleasure themselves, he explains.
“If a man could only come from his female partner using a Flesh Light on him but not her vagina, many women would likely feel the same way,” he says. “This is not to justify that this is a good way to think, but to understand the emotional reasoning behind the discomfort.”
The key word here is “only,” he says.
“If the only way someone can have an orgasm is with the aid of a specific prop, this can prove challenging emotionally for both partners,” he says.
Indeed, if your partner can’t get off through penetration but clitoral stimulation works for her, a vibrator isn’t your only option. You could put in the work yourself.
“You can stimulate the clitoris another way – with fingers, tongue or rubbing your penis on it – and you’ll likely fix this problem,” he says.
“If you really want your penis to be the tool that makes her cum, rub the head of your penis on her clitoris,” he adds. “Asking most women to have an orgasm from intercourse alone is like asking men to have an orgasm from anal sex alone without any stimulation of the penis.”
Or you could have a little fun with a vibrator or dildo.
Here’s how to make the most of your vibrator play
If you’re new to vibrators, get into researching the myriad types out there, and once you order one, unbox it together and really treat it as the fun, sexy sex toy it is, says certified sex therapist Sandi Kaufman.
“Learn how to use it. Run it over each other’s bodies and see what feels good in terms of pressure and speed of movement,” she says. “When you get to areas that are highly sensitive such as the genitals, use it for teasing as well as direct stimulation.”
Learn about what’s a turn on by playing with pressure levels.
“Share what feels arousing on a scale of 1 to 10,” she says. “If it’s waterproof, play with it in the shower or a tub surrounded by candles to set the mood.”
If your partner is experienced at vibrator use, let her show you how she gets off.
“It’s great to have her hold the vibrator and use it on herself,” Play says. “This way she can control where it is and how much stimulation she receives, so you’re not guessing.”
Encouraging her and telling her how hot it is to watch her use it may help relieve any performance anxiety she may be experiencing.
“She might be worrying about whether or not you are feeling weird about the act, as some guys do,” he says. “Making her comfortable and letting her feel empowered is key.”
Most of all, keep an open mind and recognise that there’s no shame in getting an assist from a sex toy. (Hey, you might really get into it and start introducing new toys made for prostate play.)
“Most men don’t realise that most women don’t orgasm from penetration alone,” Kaufman says. “When they learn the statistics, they’re usually shocked and then understand that other means to orgasm should not only be used but appreciated.”
And don’t worry, bringing in a little extra help in the form of a vibrator or dildo doesn’t mean you’ll render yourself obsolete. Your girlfriend or wife likes you for you – but also specifically because:
A) You’re able to order her some takeout on a food app or heat up the leftovers when she’s hungry after sex.
And B) You’re not made of high-quality medical-grade silicone, borosilicate glass or stainless steel.
“I like to remind guys that you can’t get addicted to a vibrator and that puts their minds at ease,” Kaufman says. “If your goal is to please your woman, why not bring out the arsenal to bring her to a higher depth of pleasure?”
Sex Ed for Grown-Ups is a series tackling everything you didn’t learn about sex in school — beyond the birds and the bees. Keep checking back for more expert-based articles and personal stories.