According to a survey released earlier this year, 43% of those identifying as women have faked an orgasm to spare their sexual partner’s feelings and only 5% said that they orgasm every time that they have sex.
This, when compared with 20% of those identifying as men, looks pretty grim and is something that was dubbed “the orgasm gap” earlier this year.
However, one sex therapist believes that our “obsession” with orgasms could be ruining our sex lives.
Lyndsey Murray, a couples counsellor and sex therapist says that too many couples focus solely on the end goal of an orgasm which can leave them feeling anxious, frustrated, and unsatisfied.
She added that when she speaks with couples, she often finds that both partners agree sex that doesn’t result in both partners climaxing feels like ‘failure’.
Yikes.
Of course, there is so much more to sex than just an orgasm and not achieving, or helping your partner to reach orgasm, isn’t failure and doesn’t mean that your sex life is doomed. It just offers more room for creativity and learning about one another’s bodies.
How to enjoy sex if you struggle to orgasm
Murray urges that the first thing partners should do when addressing one or both not reaching climax is accepting that there’s actually nothing wrong with that and it doesn’t have to be put down to being a bad or negative experience.
Instead, partners should shift the focus on to all of the other sensations on the body that intercourse heightens. Focus on where you’re feeling pressure, texture, and touch. If your mind starts to feel anxious about the end goal, shift your focus to these sensations to bring you back to the moment and back to pleasure.
Remember that sex is not just intercourse. For straight couples, intercourse is often the definition of sex but this isn’t actually accurate. Any sexual act is considered sex and if something makes you feel good, regardless of whether you climax or not, that’s a positive sexual experience that should be enjoyed for what it is.
Finally, Murray is keen to remind people that if your partner doesn’t reach climax, there’s nothing wrong with you and you don’t need to internalise it. It’s not your fault that you didn’t ‘give them’ an orgasm. She adds that we are responsible for our own orgasms and sometimes they just don’t happen but that doesn’t mean that the sex wasn’t pleasurable or meaningful.
If you find that you’re struggling to reach orgasm frequently, speak to your doctor as it could be a sign of an underlying condition.