My partner and I both work from home, are both homebodies, and spend a lot of our time together.
We also have three cats that we’ve had for a long while and, yet, multiple times a day, we will direct one another’s attention to something a cat is doing (usually sleeping but in a cute way).
This is never really new behaviour, there’s nothing new to show one another but we do it anyway, constantly.
I always thought this was quite a soppy, weird habit that we both shared but according to therapist Zach Brittle, what we’re actually doing is called ‘bidding for connection.’
What connection bids are and how they work
According to Brittle: “A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.
“Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids.”
So, while it can be as simple as ‘please look at the cat’, it can also be practical, like ‘can you pick up the salsa while you’re up?’
Dr John Gottman once researched this behaviour in a study with newlyweds. He described bids as ‘turning towards’ and ignoring bids as ‘turning away’.
After six years, Dr Gottman followed up with the couples. Many of the couples remained together, but some did divorce.
What was the main thing that kept couples together? Turning towards one another. The couples that stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that divorced averaged only 33% of the time.
An actress left partner for ignoring a tree that she was admiring
Actress Jenifer Lewis spoke on the Hollywood Unlocked podcast about leaving her partner when he ignored her attention bid.
She said they were driving and she saw an Australian tree that is now extinct, but this one was blooming pink.
She said: “We’re driving and I go, ‘oh that’s a pretty tree’.
To which her partner responded: “You say that about every tree.”
Toxic, in my opinion.
Jennifer said that in that moment, she knew he had to go, saying “The fuck is wrong with you?
“I’m sorry but don’t them bitches help us BREATHE?!”
Well, exactly!