I felt obliged to take another blackened sausage, after such rigmarole, it seemed only polite. Amidst the taste of soot and ash there was now only a hint of the premium pork and apple. The bangers that showed so much promise, were undeniably, ruined. The British barbecue has always been a rather shoddy affair. A few burgers, some sausages and if you're lucky, if the host has really pushed the boat out, you might have some pork and pepper skewers, with a few chicken legs thrown on for good measure. It has come to the point, where I am starting to wonder if it is even worth taking part anymore.
I've spent far too many Sunday afternoons at barbecues where the most exciting thing to come off the grill is whatever 'summer barbecue selection' deal Tesco's have sold out of. It's convenience in its ugliest, most tasteless form. I'm not a barbecue snob, as friends have often called me; I just think we need to show a little more enthusiasm. Surely, if a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well, or simply not at all. Furthermore, I propose a complete ban on all disposable barbecues. If you are thinking of cooking on one of these, you'd be better off just having a Kit-Kat, a can of Rio and limiting the afternoon's disappointment.
In America's southern states, where barbecue joints enjoy ubiquity, time is taken over such cuisine. Large slabs of animal flesh are rubbed with spices before being slowly smoked for several hours at low temperatures. They take the process seriously. The essence of US barbecue is smoky, sweet and slightly spicy, whist in the UK it is charred banger and tomato ketchup. Shouldn't it be moist, tender strands of pork and Bramley apple sauce?
What's so frustrating is that as a nation, we should know better. Don't we deserve it? Why 'make do' when we can stand toe to toe with some of the world's most respected barbecue practices. We owe it to ourselves to look further than the burger, banger and pre-packed atrocities that line the shelves of the multiples. We have this impatience when it comes to outdoor cooking, that we need to get it done as quick as possible, probably to avoid the looming rain clouds, but slow cooking a large piece of meat over low heat is guaranteed to pay dividends and certainly worth the time and effort. Whilst I am sure there are countless dreary British barbecues for me yet to endure, be it engagements, birthdays and beyond. I just pray for a little more enthusiasm from whoever is in charge of the food. That we will see a national shift from ground meat patties and anything that comes in a plastic tray dowsed in ketchup. That people will fill their car up with petrol and resist the urge to pick up one of those damned disposable barbecues.
Until then, I'll be turning up to barbecues armed with a Kit-Kat.