The Funniest Marriage Tweets (Aug.15-28)

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.

Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.

Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 20 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) August 28, 2023

Everything my husband knows about plants he learned against his will.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) August 26, 2023

My wife always forgets where she puts her phone but remembers that night from 7 years ago when I forgot to refill her water cup before bed
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 21, 2023

Nothing makes my wife angrier than seeing me comfortably plop onto a couch.
— The Dad (@thedad) August 19, 2023

Husband: *sleeping*

Me: Aww. He’s so tired. I mustn’t wake him.

Husband: *audibly breathes*

Me: WAKE UP YOU’RE SNORING
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 16, 2023

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 18, 2023

My husband texted me "upstairs, pooping" at the same time I texted him "downstairs, pooping" and l'm pretty sure we just proved that romance is not dead.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) August 28, 2023

Husband, packing up the car to leave: What was your favorite day here at my parents’ house?
Me: Today.
— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) August 17, 2023

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) August 17, 2023

There are only 2 things I know with 100% certainty.

1. The sun will rise in the east.
2. My husband will yell "HELLO HONEYBUNZZZZ" every time he walks into the house without first investigating whether I'm on a work meeting.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) August 18, 2023

At least one person in a marriage should be able to whistle.
— Annie Hatfield (@AnneHatfieldVO) August 16, 2023

I couldn’t find the end of the tape roll and my husband told me to calm down

Judge: ok case dismissed
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 25, 2023

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
— emily (@emilykmay) August 24, 2023

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
— Michele (@marvelousmrsmom) August 18, 2023

“You’re not the boss of me!” I say to my wife assertively, when we both know good and well that she is.
— John to the World 🌎 (@JohnJokewriter) August 18, 2023

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 22, 2023

Husbands just need to distinguish between what we have forgotten to put on the shopping list and what is purposely not on the list as we have it already and come home with the right things.
— Laura prefers the bird (@ericamorecambe) August 20, 2023

Dating: You’re so amazing, you are just like, so perfect!

Married: For the love of God, stop eating chips like that if you want to live to see another day.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 16, 2023