Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humour in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 21 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
my marriage is just texting each other, “we really need to be more on top of _______” (insert 87 million things)
— emily (@emilykmay) October 22, 2023
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 21, 2023
I wish I loved anything as much as my husband loves leaving cupboard doors open.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) October 19, 2023
Husband maths. If there’s 1 half full bottle of washing liquid and I full new bottle of washing liquid, which bottle should get used up first?
— Laura prefers the bird (@ericamorecambe) October 18, 2023
My wife isn’t really involved in queer pop
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) October 18, 2023
culture outside her favorite TV shows so it’s always so funny to watch gossip
travel around the entire internet and then two weeks later, out of the blue, she’s like, “Who is Sophia Bush?!?”
I just want my wife to look at me again like she did before she got prescription glasses.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 17, 2023
It’s cute how my husband always protests “I’m not doing that” right before he is in fact doing that.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) October 21, 2023
My husband planned back-to-back activities for us this weekend like he forgot we’re both introverts.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 20, 2023
Just because your friend tells you to keep it a secret, doesn’t mean you don’t tell me.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) October 18, 2023
- My wife wanting gossip
Husband: You need to stop spending so much money on shirts for the dog.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) October 18, 2023
Me: Fine. You go tell Oliver we have to return his Dave Growl presents, the Fur Fighters T-shirt.
I just got home and started talking to my husband and he wasn't responding because he was distracted with something so I dropped my wedding ring onto the floor as a callback to The Sixth Sense and he didn't get the reference and my talent is being WASTED on this man.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 22, 2023
A husband’s cough is always the most annoying.
— Laura prefers the bird (@ericamorecambe) October 21, 2023
Our wedding anniversary is on Thanksgiving this year, where my wife will be thankful for two turkeys.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 18, 2023
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
— Alyssa 🌻 (@alyssa_hakanson) October 23, 2023
“I’m going to shower”
— ↞𝙱𝚕𝚔𝚜𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚋𝚎𝚊𝚞𝚝𝚢↠ (@BlkSoulBeauty) October 17, 2023
Why does this sentence scream to every husband as, “we’re going to shower” no. I said I AM GOING TO SHOWER. ALONE. Let me have this damn it.🙃🙃🙃
Wife: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
— The Dad (@thedad) October 22, 2023
[both my son and I stop eating shredded cheese by the handful and turn to her]
Me: Can you give me a for instance?
One of the best highs a husband can experience is when he realizes the reason his wife is mad, is not because of him.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) October 20, 2023
Welcome to marriage. There will always be a little pile of trash on the countertop directly above or near the trashcan but never in it unless you move it there.
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) October 19, 2023
My wife hates peas. She hated them even more after I said that I guess they're like eating a bunch of pimples.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 21, 2023
If you don’t have a pan stored in your oven, are you even married?
— Tori Fletcher (@hellotorifletch) October 21, 2023
Listen, I didn’t marry my husband for his charming good looks. I married him for our shared love of nachos.
— Jennifer Parker (@Mrs_JParker) October 22, 2023