The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Oct. 24-30)

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.

Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life. Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

Turns out, marriage *is* hard. My husband just cooked a lasagna for 70 minutes in an oven that wasn’t on.
— Carissa is in Barbie Mode (@CarissasNewLife) October 24, 2023

Me, trying to distract my husband: Isn’t Tuesday Morning Football on?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 24, 2023

We have a photographer at our house for family and newborn pictures, so naturally my husband is out cleaning the grill.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) October 27, 2023

My husband tried to put his hand in the pocket of my jeans and said “oh, you really don’t have pockets” like we were making it up.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 24, 2023

I don’t want to order another, I’ll just have some of yours

- Me whispering sweet nothings to my husband at our anniversary dinner
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) October 28, 2023

My husband asked me whether his snoring ever disrupts my sleep and I said no and he responded "ok, I was just wondering if we were both doing that to each other."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 25, 2023

My wife and I wanted to go to a movie but it didn't start until 4:30PM, so we'll try another day when we won't be out all night.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) October 30, 2023

Traveling with my husband is fun. It gives us the opportunity to argue in new and more exotic locations.
— Tori Fletcher (@hellotorifletch) October 27, 2023

Me: [walking in after being out for an hour]

My dog: OMG YOU'RE HOME OMGOMGOMG YAYY I MISSED YOU SO MUCH OMG OMG

My wife: Oh. You're back.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 27, 2023

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk…
— Anna (@AnnaDoesntWant2) October 30, 2023

After 16 years of marriage my husband is leaving the toilet seat up again, is there a program I can send him to for retraining?
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 30, 2023

I’ve been super sick for two weeks and am finally feeling normal today. I promised my wife I’d rest, but we’ve been in lesbians with each other for over 12 years, so she knows when I even *think* about getting up. Just “Nope!” without even looking over, typing away at her work.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) October 26, 2023

Our quick evening walk just took 2 hours because my husband decided we should knock doors to meet more of our neighbors and now we have a bunch of people coming over Friday for a dinner party.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 26, 2023

Wife made chicken and dumplings last night and when she asked how they were I told her they were alright but not how my mama made them and boy lemme tell y’all that was a mistake.
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) October 26, 2023

My wife of 10 years picked the bathroom door lock and barged in as I was about to shower so she could put on her make up.

And I just don’t feel like we’re there yet.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) October 27, 2023

Wife: There's going to be an early release today.
Me:
Wife:
Me: So, should I shave or-
Wife: FOR THE KIDS AT SCHOOL
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 25, 2023

Once your kid can start telling your spouse how much you actually spent at Target, you really start to save some money.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 25, 2023

I really don’t upset my wife very often but when I do it’s because I suggest something like how she shouldn’t eat a Warhead from the Halloween candy sack because only children’s tongues can handle getting the skin peeled off them like what Warheads do. (Oh she ate it all right!)
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) October 24, 2023