Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life – and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 21 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Today is our anniversary. If the schedule works out, my wife and I will have a romantic dinner from the concession stand at our daughter’s softball game.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 16, 2023
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband's beard, how distinguished it's becoming, and think "I DID THAT"
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 7, 2023
There are two types of people: Those who get to the airport four hours early and still worry about missing their flight, and those who think the final boarding call is a good time to go grab Starbucks, and they marry each other.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) June 13, 2023
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she's putting it in the garage sale
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) June 9, 2023
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) June 16, 2023
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing
After 15 years of marriage my husband thinks I should know what his favorite kind of eye drops are.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 13, 2023
I’m keeping the romance alive by gift wrapping my Father’s Day gift, which my wife asked me to order from Amazon
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 16, 2023
wife: *calling me* put syrup on the shopping list
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) June 8, 2023
me: ok
[one minute later]
wife: hello?
me: I can't read it now
We were on a strict schedule to leave the house on time and I asked my husband to give the kids breakfast while I showered, so naturally that was when he decided to take the shutters off the windows and power wash them.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 19, 2023
My husband just very sincerely yelled from the kitchen, "I'm putting a glass of iced tea in the fridge. Just don't want you to think it's pee and throw it out."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 13, 2023
??????????????????????????
My husband asked me to make a phone call for him so I think divorce is the obvious answer
— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) June 14, 2023
My wife just invited a third different couple to the 4th of July BBQ that ‘we’ still haven’t decided if we’re having or not
— Dad Pickup Line (@dadpickupline) June 12, 2023
NOT MY HUSBAND GETTING RECOGNIZED FROM LINKEDIN
— The Jay Agenda (@JayJurden) June 11, 2023
A 2 hour movie takes 3.5 hours to watch because my wife and I constantly pause it to figure out what other movies the actors were in.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) June 16, 2023
Spouses be like, “Don’t watch an episode without me” and leave you in a moral conundrum.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 11, 2023
Thoughts and prayers for my husband’s ex who accidentally liked and then unliked one of my photos from 7 years ago.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 14, 2023
We’ve all been there, girl, and btw your new haircut’s cuuute!
Texted my husband that I want to eat 🍆 not thinking about the fact that
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) June 12, 2023
🍆 =penis I just want the eggplant that’s growing in my garden
So yeah that’s something I have to deal with later
My wife texted me this picture of her cart at Costco with the caption, "This is why I always beat you at Tetris." Savage. I think I'm in love. pic.twitter.com/sNPOUoxr2v
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2023
40% of mine and my wife's conversations go like this:
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 15, 2023
me: what?
wife: i was talking to the dog
My husband and I were squabbling at the breakfast table and our kid put the cereal box between us so we’d stop, how quickly the child becomes the parent
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) June 13, 2023
My husband and I had a silent argument. Just lots of sighs and deep breaths.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) June 14, 2023