Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Although Twitter is rebranding to X, the humour lives on.
Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch.
The 5-year-old has been limping around with a leg injury all morning and I would feel bad for her except the injury is “a fox bit her in her dream”
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) August 5, 2023
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 8, 2023
my daughter said she really wants to get baptized. I was surprised & asked her why & she said “I just love water mom.” LMFAO ??
— B 🦋 (@DontWorryBoutB) August 6, 2023
Just dropped my 3yo tiny baby off at a sports camp that is apparently run by the child from Blank Check. Just a field full of giant balls, a bounce house, teenagers throwing kids around. The last I saw of him he was literally driving a power wheels off into the distance.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 7, 2023
I asked my 6yo how his day was at daycare and he said “I don’t even know what happened today”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 8, 2023
My son completed a survey on his first day of school and for the question “who is your hero?” I see that he has put… “I don’t have one but I will say my parents.”
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) August 10, 2023
A win is a win.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
— emily (@emilykmay) August 10, 2023
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 8, 2023
it was splash day at preschool and they sent the wrong towel home with my son
— Bill Hanstock (@sundownmotel) August 10, 2023
this was someone’s towel at preschool today pic.twitter.com/gxiLxhVkYE
5: “Wow! I have two Target cards from my birthday! I wonder what I can get!”
— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) August 6, 2023
“Maybe a really cool backpack to start kindergarten?!”
“No offense mom but I feel like a backpack is from mom money.”
Weird how the first day of school also coincides with the first day anybody has ever driven a car.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 10, 2023
My son asked me tonight before bed if “back rooms” were real and, if you are not currently a parent of a child who watches youtube you have no idea the mistake I made in saying yes.
— Hank Green (@hankgreen) August 6, 2023
Google Photos is like, "Hey look we made you a very unflattering slideshow of all the pictures your 3yo took of your double chin and set it to whimsical classical music, you're welcome"
— ALEX (@itsalexvance) August 9, 2023
Ordered new Play-Doh for my kids and for convenience I had them ship it in brown color and, completely dried out
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 9, 2023
i hear the blender going in the kitchen. Only my 10 and 8 yo are awake. my wife is not home. i'm stuck on a conference call. oh no.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 9, 2023
My son wanted to know what the 90s were like so I left him on the side of the road without his phone.
— ERIC THE GREAT (@NotTodayEric) August 9, 2023
My teen added ‘dish repellent’ to the shopping list and I’m not sure where to find it but I’m willing to spend all of my money on it
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 9, 2023
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) August 7, 2023
It's important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 7, 2023
I want my kids to know that it’s important to be trustworthy but also every text, phone call, and email they get is probably a scam.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 8, 2023
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) August 8, 2023
My kids endurance levels:
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 11, 2023
- 90 minutes riding a bike
- 75 minutes chasing around a playground
- 60 minutes jumping at the trampoline park
- 2.5 minutes walking through a store
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 5, 2023
It was a penguin.