Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Although Twitter is rebranding to X, the humour lives on.
Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 23, 2023
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
My 3-year-old was BEGGING me to buy her something at the store, and I usually don’t give in, but I did this time because it was only 99 cents and it was this bunch of scallions pic.twitter.com/KSZjAxN24i
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) July 25, 2023
I wonder if, when people envisioned a future filled with fantastic and limitless technology, any of them considered my seven year old standing in front of the amazon echo asking it to repeatedly play fart songs
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 26, 2023
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) July 23, 2023
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) July 26, 2023
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
My kid saw a glass dining room table and asked if the people who owned it were really rich, if you want to know about the state of our own furniture
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 26, 2023
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn't theirs to look out of.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 26, 2023
give a child a fish, they will spit it on the ground
— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) July 25, 2023
teach a child to fish, they will hook some part of ur body
there’s no lesson here, everyone loses
Every single parent in the history of kid’s birthday parties who was offered a slice of pizza and declined really wanted that pizza.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 27, 2023
In case you were worried kids don’t play with Barbies like they used to, I just went into my daughter’s room and there were Barbies everywhere in the Dreamhouse and she said they’d all been murdered by mermaid Barbie who was still at large but there was sure to be a trial soon
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) July 27, 2023
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 26, 2023
We have recently traveled with our 4 months old baby to Iceland. Here are some essential tips for parents who wish to do the same:
— Shahaf Peleg 🌅 (@DocLarus) July 26, 2023
1. Don’t do it. pic.twitter.com/dyD4jM1z6V
Our 5 year old asked last night "what disability will I have when I grow up?" Turns out she thought they were just randomly assigned to each person as an adult 😆
— Laura (@laurawritesit) July 25, 2023
Despite what my wife may say, playing college drinking games with water is a fast and fun way to make sure kids are staying hydrated in this summer heat.
— The Dad (@thedad) July 27, 2023
parenting is REALLY hard, but I think the biggest hardship I’ve faced yet is that I haven’t been able to see the Barbie movie yet
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) July 25, 2023
no big deal but i was going through a box of old stuff with my toddler and she pulled out a nondescript card and said "i give this to you when you were a little girl for your birthday"
— jordan is @jordanbseltzer on everything 🫶🏽 (@jordanbseltzer) July 26, 2023
it was an 8th birthday card from my deceased grandmother
Asked my daughter what her favorite part of our Hawaiian vacation was and she said when we went to Claire’s.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) July 23, 2023
My 10yo saw a can of salt on the counter and asked what “idiotized salt” was and that’s what I’m calling it from now on.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 24, 2023
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) July 27, 2023
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 23, 2023
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I have no clue why, but my twelve year old nephew was bragging about how he would kick my ass at bowling. I said, "I'll bet you $20 AND I'll even bowl right-handed." He quickly accepted. Fast forward 2 weeks and we just had our game. I absolutely destroyed him. I am right-handed.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 25, 2023
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) July 26, 2023
My 6yo told me not to hurt her again when I was cutting her nails because one time, when she was three, I cut her nail too short
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) July 26, 2023