Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) July 13, 2023
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is
Having a tough day today. My kid told me I have “the stinkiest butt on planet Earth” and he’s just a little kid but if he’s right this is devastating news.
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) July 11, 2023
Moms be like “My ride or die” and it’s just Susan showing up with a latte at school dropoff.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 13, 2023
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) July 11, 2023
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it's going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) July 10, 2023
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 8, 2023
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Can this credit card be mine?
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 11, 2023
-my 5yo, holding an old insurance card
most often it's cute when kids have alternative names for things. however my 8 yo calling taco bell's cinnabon delights "creamy balls" confirms that we are out of the cute-renaming-of-things stage.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 12, 2023
One of the most rewarding parts of parenthood is when your child is finally old enough to have deep and meaningful conversations with you like, ‘Mom, do you know why your makeup always looks so crusty?’
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) July 12, 2023
The baby's favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, "the babies." We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
— Trey (@treydayway) July 10, 2023
Enjoying one last day as a happy family before Monopoly Junior arrives tomorrow.
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) July 11, 2023
I told some kids to stop horsing around, so apparently my transition into my dad is now complete.
— A Dad Influence #🟦 (@gbergan) July 12, 2023
Sure I get out as a mom, just this month I’ve seen the pediatrician, the pediatric ENT, the pharmacist and urgent care
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 12, 2023
millennial mom milestone: my 2 year old just drew on her arm with Sharpie, pointed to it and said, “tattoo! like mama!”
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) July 9, 2023
Suggested that my 5yo put jam on his waffle since we ran out of syrup, and judging by the look on his face, I will be hearing from his lawyer
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 12, 2023
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 11, 2023
My toddler finished pooping and called out from the toilet, ‘mama I’m waiting for you!’ and to be honest it sounded like a threat.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) July 10, 2023
Just used my kids dirty sock to wipe up the juice he spilled on himself, in front of a clearly disgusted rival dad who was using wet wipes on his son. lmao get in your limo and go back to Beverly Hills Spencer.
— 🍁Graham Kritzer (@GrahamKritzer) July 10, 2023
watching little league be like:
— nika (@nikalamity) July 10, 2023
kid on 1st building a sandcastle
kid on 2nd twirling around
kid on 3rd blowing kisses to his mom
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I've never felt so seen.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 8, 2023
I told my husband he can’t do yard work every weekend because we need to make memories while the kids are young, so now apparently we’ll be cleaning out the gutters as a family next weekend
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 9, 2023
Just got released early from jury duty while my husband is home with the kids. Do I…
— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) July 10, 2023
1. pretend they kept me the whole day and have some me time, or
2. pretend they kept me the whole day and have some me time?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 10, 2023
Potty training is so hard, omg. I mean not for my son, he picked it up right away. But for me bc now I have to pretend to have a celebration on the scale of the Wedding Crashers wedding hopping montage every time he pees. Which is apparently 47 times a day.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 10, 2023
If I had a nickel for every time I heard “watch me mom!” the federal reserve would run out
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) July 9, 2023
I’m an exhausted parent. You might remember me from such hits as “No, absolutely not. Never in a million years.” and its sequel “Okay, fine.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 11, 2023
My 5yo just came downstairs in a hawaiian shirt, shorts, and slippers, so I guess he's ready for retirement
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 10, 2023
living with a toddlers is like living with a velociraptor: it’s gets more dangerous when they learn how to open doors
— Dad Set Against (@DadSetAgainst) July 11, 2023