Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch.
8yo: I wanna do something special for you on Father’s Day.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 16, 2023
me: oh yea?
8yo: yea how about we take you to the water park and then get ice cream after?
5yo: What’s Romeo and Juliet?
— Stephanie Insley Hershinow (@S_Insley_H) June 19, 2023
Me: Well, it’s a story about two people who fell in love, and…
[2 parents, both English professors, one a Shakespearean, give a long and age-inappropriate synopsis]
5yo: Wow.
Me: Yeah. It’s sad.
5yo: Yeah. I can’t believe they FELL in LAVA!
My daughter said the holes in my jeans make me look scruffy and I’m confused because I don’t remember giving birth to my mother
— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) June 20, 2023
just watched my toddler dip a string cheese into strawberry yogurt and eat it, then chug 8 oz of whole milk. a literal Dairy Queen
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 20, 2023
I spotted my colleague and whispered to my husband “OMG that’s Sweaty Betty” next minute she comes right up to us and says “hi I’m Betty” and my 8yo says “but my mom said your name is Sweaty”
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 23, 2023
Grew up listening to Indian mythology. Stories with demons, death and gory violence, and here I’m protecting my 5YO from Peppa Pig
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 22, 2023
My kids: Mom, you need to relax.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 22, 2023
Also my kids: pic.twitter.com/NW1OQoudBS
Before I had a baby I read an AITA where a husband was asking if his wife was the asshole bc, overwhelmed, she handed him the baby during an important Zoom meeting, got into her car and drove away for 3 hours and at the time I was like "yes" and now I'm like "a hero".
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) June 22, 2023
I was emptying my daughter’s backpack on the last day of school and I pulled out an orange with a face drawn on it and she just casually said, “Oh, there’s Bruce,” and took it from me and walked away.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 21, 2023
13 dropped and broke his phone for good after at least 3 repairs over a year and a half. If he damages this one then his next phone will be a 90's Nokia.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 22, 2023
It’s difficult to watch children’s tv shows. Most have obnoxious characters, a predictable storyline, terrible dialogue, and the minute you get completely invested in the show your child walks out of the room.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 17, 2023
Statements only heard at parent dinner parties, I'll go first: "Poison control are always just the nicest people"
— Draggin Father Behind (@DragginFatherB) June 8, 2023
Wore my hair down and my kid told me I looked like Ken from Street Fighter so now I have to google that to see if it was a compliment
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 22, 2023
Went garage saleing with my daughter. I spent $26 and got a puzzle, a pan, and a wire basket. She spent $0.11 and got a toy, a stuffed pug, and a stuffed dog bigger than she is. Cute privilege is real.
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 18, 2023
I know moms aren’t supposed to have favorites but my Alexa goes to sleep the first time I ask, so I’m just sayin’
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) June 19, 2023
Legend states that if you let a 5yo carry a helium-filled balloon out of the store, there is an 84% chance it won’t make it to the car.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) June 18, 2023
if you don’t post about having a dad or your amazing partner being a dad or orcas uprising then your social media cards get revoked
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) June 19, 2023
Falling asleep 5 minutes into the movie you made everybody watch on Father’s Day just hits different.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 18, 2023
Place to pet your WWE championship belt pic.twitter.com/7vIefz8DI1
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 22, 2023
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) June 20, 2023
When your child learns how to make their own lunch, the next part of your life be—never mind they destroyed your kitchen.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 20, 2023