Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Although Twitter has rebranded to X, the humour lives on.
Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on the social media platform to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents for more!
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) March 3, 2024
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) April 3, 2024
10: (looking at an old photo of me) Is this from the 1800s?
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) April 4, 2024
Me: You’re grounded.
My second grader’s homework has me questioning if I passed second grade.
— Marissa 💚💛🌱 (@michimama75) April 4, 2024
[watching a burger king commercial]
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 4, 2024
me: $5 for two whopper JUNIORS? I remember whoppers being .99 cents!
11: no one CARES about your OLD days.
No one is more full of hope than a mom who hopes it’s chocolate smeared on the hand soap in the bathroom.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) April 1, 2024
Have kids so 5 can tell you she’s gonna get you a one-way plane ticket so she'll only have a daddy.
— nika (@nikalamity) April 3, 2024
My daughter just asked for Taco Bell before hoop practice lmao , sicko mode and yes I got it for her cus life about choices and she gon learn a valuable lesson today
— $cottiewop. (@blankbankcheck) April 2, 2024
My husband went to the craft store with my kid and brought home three containers of glitter, in case you’re wondering why I changed the locks
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) April 2, 2024
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) April 3, 2024
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Was listening to classic rock and my son asked me to turn off the “truck commercial music”
— octopus/caveman (@octopuscaveman) March 31, 2024
5 year old was upset a squirrel ran away “before she could scare it,” & I was like babe why would you want to scare a squirrel & she was like “mom! scaring birds & squirrels is WHAT I DO!” like deeply offended I could be unaware of this central element of her personhood
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) April 2, 2024
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
— The Dad Briefs (@SladeWentworth) April 4, 2024
*in the Louvre*
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) April 2, 2024
My Kid: art? more like fart
Teens have an amazing ability to cram more than you’d ever imagine possible into a trash can to avoid taking it out
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) April 4, 2024
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) April 1, 2024
14: can I see your phone to check YOUR screen time today
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) April 2, 2024
me: no we're not doing that.
I said we were having eggs for dinner but it turns out my 1yo’s excitement was because he thought we were having chocolate eggs for dinner and I’m hopeful one day he can forgive me
— Parenting Presently (The Mom Hack) (@presentparent_) April 1, 2024
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) April 2, 2024
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 3, 2024
My 14yo asked me to get her ice cream “as a reward for existing,” and honestly? Valid.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 4, 2024
me: good morning
— meghan (@deloisivete) April 4, 2024
8yo: *angry velociraptor noises*
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) April 3, 2024
we only have two cats.
Dads love to tell you who really makes the Kirkland products at Costco.
— A Dad Influence (@gbergan) April 3, 2024
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) April 4, 2024
My 10yo has been unhappy that we're cracking down on saying rude words, so he's been going around asking all of us to pronounce "Park" backwards, and I'm not even mad because that's displaying some top notch creativity and problem solving skills.
— Michael Vogel (@MichaelVogel1) March 30, 2024
My 4-year-old opened a Cadbury Cream Egg and then instinctively opened a mini Kit Kat and used it as a spoon to eat the cream. Taking notes…
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) March 31, 2024
my 7 year old came home from school and told me she learned online safety including not to click links that people you don’t know send you
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 3, 2024
because you might end up with a fungus
I can have a clean house or I can keep my kids off screens, you can’t have it both ways Karen!
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) April 4, 2024
13yo: ah, yes, Easter, when Jesus un-dies so I get chocolate eggs
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) March 31, 2024
My 3yo called a muddy puddle a “muddle” and I think he’s on to something
— Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) April 3, 2024
Kids are like cats but instead of giving you gifts of dead animals they leave you clogged toilets to be found the next morning.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) April 3, 2024