The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (May 4-10)

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, "hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it's empty. what do i do?" and poison control is basically like, "do they seem fine?" like i could have called any boomer.

— emily (@emilykmay) May 4, 2024

Normal texts from my 11 year old. pic.twitter.com/jYFOSL88RD

— tata can do it with a broken heart 🤍🩶 (@ogswiftie18) May 9, 2024

i just saw a reel that looks like a cute summer activity for an older toddler (bunch of small toys, freeze in a bowl of water, let toddler figure out how to get them out) but all I can think of is that this is exactly what they do for polar bear enrichment at our zoo

— taryn (@peepsaregood) May 9, 2024

My daughter told me I was embarrassing her and I told her to stop being so cringe and bougie and just let me just flex.

— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) May 10, 2024

My son just asked me how I know his name... I'm not in the mood today

— B 🦋 (@isabellayonce) May 6, 2024

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) May 9, 2024

Modern parenting is making sure your kids say “please” when they ask Alexa to play something

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) May 5, 2024

please send thoughts and prayers for my 9 yo. he's bored because he can't play the nintendo switch right now because we're in our tornado safe spot trying not to die tonight.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 9, 2024

People who say “just move the car seat” have never moved a car seat.

— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) May 7, 2024

6-year-old is telling me she and her bff like to play a game called “Caroline and Zahara” in which they pretend to be teenagers. I asked how you play and she said “we pretend we have phones and we text on them and then we get into fights about the texts.”

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) May 8, 2024

My kid just drew on his face, so now he’s going to school looking like some kind of kindergarten Post Malone

— meghan (@deloisivete) May 8, 2024

Monday night, kids are in bed. I’m curled up with a bag of veggie straws as my husband snacks on goldfish crackers. We watch this weekends SNL as we’ve been too tired til now. He falls asleep, remote in hand. I pretend not to watch the rest. I know, tomorrow, we’ll try again.

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 7, 2024

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) May 6, 2024

My kids are counting down to the last day of school, and it's making me already eagerly await their first day back at school.

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) May 6, 2024

My 7yo had a wellness check. The pediatrician asked if she can tie her shoes. My 7yo, "no." She looked at me, "but it's their fault because they only get me velcro shoes." She's the youngest of 4. I don't have time for shoe stuff. Get in the car so we're not late to practice.

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) May 7, 2024

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) May 6, 2024

So sick of these stupid videos showing incompetent dads using a vacuum cleaner to help them put a scrunchie in their daughter’s hair. Does anyone seriously think that dads know how to use a vacuum?

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 7, 2024

I wish the urgent care waiting room wasn't the time and place my 6yo decided to start singing 𝑆𝑒𝑥𝑦 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝐼 𝐾𝑛𝑜𝑤 𝐼𝑡 yet here we are

— meghan (@deloisivete) May 5, 2024

12’s principal: I’m calling to discuss 12’s attitude… She told another young lady that her name suits her extremely well today.

Me: ok?

Principal: the young lady’s name is Karen

Me, poorly containing laughter: I’ll talk to 12.

— hahahaheater ❄️🌨️☃️ (@dishs_up) May 8, 2024

It's move out week at the university where I work and I saw a dad with a completely full minivan and a large pile of stuff next to it that still needed to be loaded. He let out a big sigh while staring at the pile and honestly it might be the most dad thing I've ever seen

— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) May 9, 2024

There was a screw in the washing machine when I switched over 7’s clothes so either my washer is falling apart or 7 is hoarding screws. Not sure which is worse.

— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) May 9, 2024