Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from mums and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
3: can we go to the farm for lunch?
— Celeste Yvonne (@andwhatamom) May 12, 2019
Me:...
3: daddy takes us to the farm...
Me:um, do you mean McDonalds?
3: yes
Wife: We’re playing jail. Pretend to be the 2yo’s prisoner.
— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) May 13, 2019
Me: Pretend?
gas station attendant: do you want your receipt
— ⚡️Carly Danger⚡️ (@carlyken) May 12, 2019
me: no thanks, once I put it in my purse it’s lost forever
7: *completely deadpan* it’s true, my little brother climbed in there 3 years ago and no one has seen him since
My toddler explaining literally anything pic.twitter.com/H1rOnLUUOr
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 14, 2019
Shoutout to all the mothers who have to re-wash all the dishes we washed yesterday.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 13, 2019
“Sleep when the baby sleeps” is great advice if you can drive with your eyes closed
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) May 14, 2019
Me: here’s your toast sweetie
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) May 13, 2019
7: did you toast it for 28 seconds?
Me:
7:
Me: yes
7: why has it got black bits?
Me:
7:
Me: if you were a dinosaur which one would you be?
7: oh mummy good question! *talks about dinosaurs for 25 minutes while eating burnt toast*
is it wrong to change your baby's birthday? it's gonna rain tomorrow :( he won't even know right
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) May 15, 2019
If anyone is on the fence about having kids, I just had to break up an argument about “HE’S BREATHING TOO CLOSE TO ME!”
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 16, 2019
My 7yo threw a Mother's Day card in my face while I was sleeping, and yelled "happy Mother's Day!" If that doesn't say motherhood I don't know what does. It was a shitty card too, but I loved it.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) May 12, 2019
[things I’ve learned from children]
— [crockett] (@CrockettsBeard) May 13, 2019
3: anything can be breakfast food if we don’t tell mommy.
time to toss on sunglasses and Weekend At Bernies my way thru my daughter's softball game
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 15, 2019
Crossing your fingers can symbolize telling a lie or praying for divine intervention. Either way, it perfectly sums up my parenting style.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 14, 2019
Having kids a few years apart means you sing “The Wheels On The Bus” for the babies but then add a few lines about The Hulk smashing everything all through the town for the four-year-old.
— The Mom at Law (@TheMomAtLaw) May 15, 2019
If there is something on the floor that can crumble into a million pieces, a toddler will step on it one second before you can get to it.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) May 17, 2019
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 16, 2019
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird...
Before I had children of my own, I always wondered how a parent could just ignore their kid when they're trying to talk to them.
— Ｍｏｍｚｉｌｌａ (@milliondollrfam) May 15, 2019
Just want to say that I get it now.
Having a 3yr old around is a bit like having the director's commentary turned on for the movie that is your life.
— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) May 13, 2019
Except the director thinks you're a shitty actor and likes pointing that out.#parenting #dadlife
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) May 14, 2019
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok
Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
“I guess Mother’s Day is over!!” I bellow. But no one can hear me over the sound of me vacuuming and also because they’ve all gone to bed.
— Marissa (@natsmama75) May 13, 2019
Is being able to play Ode to Joy on the recorder a developmental milestone or just parental torture?
— Farah Miller (@farahlearned) May 16, 2019
Husband: “What time are you coming back?”
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) May 11, 2019
Me on Mother’s Day: pic.twitter.com/h6G5xPux2P
Being a parent is cool because you get to yell at your kids for doing the same shit you did as a kid.
— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 17, 2019