The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

"One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal."

Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from mums and dads to spread the joy.

Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!

If my kid’s toys ever come to life, I’m doing the sensible thing and claiming them on my taxes

— Dave (@pittdave13) July 8, 2019

Waking up to the fresh scent of parenthood, poop and defeat.

— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) July 10, 2019

There's always a day when kids realize their parents aren't superheroes. For my kids, it was the day they asked me to draw a horse for them.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) July 8, 2019

[1st birthday-1st child]

•professional photographer

•themed decorations

•tutu made of gold

•$150 worth of pizza for dinner

•invite everyone

[1st birthday-2nd child]

•cell phone photography

•spaghetti?

•guests are overrated

•probably doesn't need clothes

— Momzilla (@milliondollrfam) July 10, 2019

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 8, 2019

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 8, 2019

My 2yo just stood 3 inches from my face while I peed, and then clapped when I flushed. If you’re looking for that kind of support, a toddler is the hype person you need.

— Accidental Super Mom (@AcciSuperMom) July 10, 2019

[zombie apocalypse]
ME: *clutches my 4yo while we hide under the bed hoping the hoard doesn’t hear us*
MY 4Y/O: i hafta poop

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 7, 2019

[driving]

7-year-old: Can we stop for cheeseburgers?

Me: We packed sandwiches.

7: Why do you hate us?

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 7, 2019

Here’s a little song I wrote about kids being home for summer vacation it’s called “OMG WHEN DOES SCHOOL START“ and a one and a two

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 10, 2019

5: mom, there’s pee under the dining room table.

Me: WHAT? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

5: I dunno

Me: then how did you know it was there???

5: oh.

— Celeste Yvonne (@andwhatamom) July 7, 2019

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh... *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) July 6, 2019

Pre-kid me: Little to no screen time is best.

4 years later: Netflix is our babysitter.

— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) July 6, 2019

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You're not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I'm just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 9, 2019

Giving my kids SunChips: here eat these, they’re healthy, the sun is a vegetable

— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) July 9, 2019

I'm letting my 2yo draw with Sharpies because I want new furniture.

Don't @ me

— DaddyGrownup 🏳️🌈 🇨🇦 (@DaddyGrownup) July 10, 2019

Day 39 of summer break:

My son is mad at me because I won’t let him use a chainsaw.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 9, 2019

If you listen real carefully to the sounds of my kids fighting, you can hear the sound of me opening a beer.

— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) July 8, 2019

Me: "Hey love, you want me to cut up an apple for you?"

4yo: "When I want a snack, I'll tell you and you can make me it."

Me: *crosses off her birthday from the calendar*

— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) July 10, 2019

My kid is sitting on the potty telling her doll to poop, as she refuses to poop.

She’s already got the do as I say not as I do parent thing down.

— Mom On The Rocks (@sah_nursemom) July 11, 2019

Wife: Our son is pretty strong-willed sometimes, huh?

Me: We’re not in a parent-teacher conference. You can just say he’s an asshole sometimes.

— The Dad (@thedad) July 6, 2019
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