The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

“It’s YOUR turn to move the Shelf on The Elf,” and other things overtired couples argue about at 11 p.m.

— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets 🎄🤶🏻🎅🏼⛄️ (@gfishandnuggets) December 2, 2019

Sometimes I like to live dangerously by putting ketchup on my kid’s dinner plate without asking where they would like it first

— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) December 1, 2019

It’s really rude that potty training a strong-willed 3yo doesn’t count as cardio.

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) December 3, 2019

Think you are chill and laid back? Watch your kid build and decorate a gingerbread house without intervening.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 3, 2019

If you'd like to answer the question, "What's that???" a hundred thousand times a day, then having a toddler might be for you.

— Ohio mom of two (@OhioMomoftwo) December 3, 2019

Please respect our privacy at this difficult time while we deal with our toddler who has just entered the “why?” phase.

— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) December 4, 2019

An advent calendar for dads but it’s just a pair of cargo shorts and each pocket contains a random cable from some electronic that came out in the 90s.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 1, 2019

I sure tell my family, "Don't blame me, I dont make the rules" a lot for someone that makes literally every single rule in this house.

— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) December 4, 2019

My toddler has now chewed up and spit out five "grapes" because he's never heard of an olive and won't listen to reason.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 6, 2019

cashier: how old are your kids?

me: two, four, six, eight

cashier: *laughing* who do we appreciate

me: alcohol! *points to cart*

cashier: but damn...

me: yeah

— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) December 3, 2019

Parenting 101 when your kids are sick:
1.) Kids have common cold.
2.) Kids sneeze on you as you care for them.
3.) Three days later, kids are better but you and your spouse now have Ebola.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) December 2, 2019

My toddler would like for everyone to know that she is NOT tired. Her eyes just keep making her face fall asleep.

— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) November 30, 2019

Kids: Mom, we need toothpaste!

Me: Cool, you can add it to your Christmas lists.

Me, every time my kids ask for anything in the month of December.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 3, 2019

I’ve done nothing in life that matters to my daughter because I haven’t been in one of the 10000 scooby doo movies

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) December 3, 2019

Yesterday:

My 4yo and me built a Frozen gingerbread house, painted pictures, played 2 games, went to the park, played house, cooked dinner together and then watched a movie.

What she tells her teacher we did yesterday:

"I picked up a dead bug and mommy yelled at me."

— 🎄 Stay at Homies 🎄 (@stayathomies) December 3, 2019

Sorry I’m late. I had to pick all the marshmallows out of my kid’s Lucky Charms.

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) December 3, 2019

Me: do you want apple sauce or a granola bar for dessert?

2: yes.

Me: *impressed* alright, alright.

— Mummy Claus🎅🏻🇨🇦 (@ThatMummyLife) December 3, 2019

Me: Good job getting an A on your test
10yo: Thanks, I guessed at most of the answers

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 4, 2019

Me: You have to eat fruit

3: I can’t reach it

Me: Well we tried, come share these M&M’s with me I guess.

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) December 4, 2019

My son has told our Google Mini that it’s his birthday 12 times in a row so it can keep singing “Happy Birthday” to him.

It’s not his birthday, & technology doesn’t always make life easier.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) December 5, 2019

I forgot to thaw the beef roast so it looks like we are having hot dogs and disappointment for dinner.

— Anecdotal Birthcontrol (@PedersenAhmed) December 4, 2019

Parenthood: When the sound of uncontrollable sobbing during dinner isn't only your own.

— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) December 6, 2019