The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

"Every time a parent’s sleep is near, a thirsty child must first appear."
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Kids may say the strangest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.

Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!

Zoom preschool is both hilarious and depressing. My 4 year old keeps unmuting himself and yelling 'I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAME! IS THIS MEETING OVER YET?'

— Alexis Diao (@meowdiao) September 2, 2020

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 3, 2020

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 30, 2020

Never ask your teenager how you look today, unless you’re prepared for them to say shit like “you look Amish” or “you look like you sell essential oils and don’t vaccinate your kids”

Wow, thanks.

— Ⓖⓗⓓ (@GingerHotDish) June 11, 2020

Every time a parent’s sleep is near, a thirsty child must first appear

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 30, 2020

My baby is now 3 months old but in pandemic years we’re both 150

— amil (@amil) August 29, 2020

This is how my 2-year-old chose to tell me she's hungry today:

"Mommy, I hear something in my tummy."

🤣🤣🤣 #momlife

— Déborah Kabwang Makuma (@deborahkabwang) August 31, 2020

Tried teaching my kids some Roman history... I'm not allowed to do the homeschooling anymore pic.twitter.com/ydnkaA95oJ

— The Dad (@thedad) August 31, 2020

5-year-old: I can’t do more kindergarten. My leg is hurting and that means my skeleton is broken.

Me: It’s just a story video on the iPad. You’re fine.

5-year-old: Maybe I can’t feel my fingers.

— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) August 31, 2020

I never had a gender reveal party, so just letting y'all know I had a girl 25 years ago, and we accept cash.

— Felicia (@LostFelicia) August 30, 2020

No ice cream for the unemployed pic.twitter.com/ihAWIEAm7u

— Hlengiwe Leigh-anne Arewa (@hlengibila) August 30, 2020

Did you know that there’s a list of ingredients on baby wipes? Yeah, I went to the bathroom without my phone again.

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) August 28, 2020

Hell hath no fury like a mom when someone opens the new package of something before the old one is finished.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 1, 2020

[5 PM]

Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I will.

[8 PM]

Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I will.

[6 AM]

Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: OMG I WILL.

[8 AM]

Text from child in school: you won’t believe this

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 1, 2020

First born: What was I almost named?
Dad: You were going to be Valerie
Middle child: What about me?
D: Victor
Last born: What was I supposed to be?
Mom: Vasectomy

— Melanie Gibson (@ImMelanieGibson) September 1, 2020

I’m homeschooling my son this year, so I plan on teaching the curriculum as follows:

Sarcasm 101

How to Get Mommy’s Tea

Let’s All Shut the Fuck Up for Ten Minutes

Annoying Daddy (AP level)

Why Firefly’s Cancellation is Never to Be Forgotten

Debate: Who is the Best Batman

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 1, 2020

My daughter wrote a song about me, isn't that sweet?

It's called "Mommy's Armpit Stubble."

— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 31, 2020

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 3, 2020

Good morning to everyone except the kid that woke me up at 4:15am to proudly tell me that he almost used his teeth to remove a hangnail on his toe, but used a nail clipper instead.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) September 1, 2020

Me: Your shirt and pants don't match.

6-year-old: My shirt is cool, and my pants are cool.

I stand corrected.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2020

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 3, 2020

Made it to the level of parenthood where I just plunged my hand into a pot of boiling water to salvage the cheese powder packet I accidentally dumped in with the macaroni.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 31, 2020

Having teens is fun because they demand that you give them their independence as they turn right around & ask if they can borrow $20.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 30, 2020

Parenting is a whole lot of, “Where did you hear that?!” Knowing full well it was you. They heard it from you.

— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) September 2, 2020
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