Kids may say the strangest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Zoom preschool is both hilarious and depressing. My 4 year old keeps unmuting himself and yelling 'I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAME! IS THIS MEETING OVER YET?'
— Alexis Diao (@meowdiao) September 2, 2020
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 3, 2020
Me: Say Mama.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 30, 2020
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Never ask your teenager how you look today, unless you’re prepared for them to say shit like “you look Amish” or “you look like you sell essential oils and don’t vaccinate your kids”
— Ⓖⓗⓓ (@GingerHotDish) June 11, 2020
Wow, thanks.
Every time a parent’s sleep is near, a thirsty child must first appear
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 30, 2020
My baby is now 3 months old but in pandemic years we’re both 150
— amil (@amil) August 29, 2020
This is how my 2-year-old chose to tell me she's hungry today:
— Déborah Kabwang Makuma (@deborahkabwang) August 31, 2020
"Mommy, I hear something in my tummy."
🤣🤣🤣 #momlife
Tried teaching my kids some Roman history... I'm not allowed to do the homeschooling anymore pic.twitter.com/ydnkaA95oJ
— The Dad (@thedad) August 31, 2020
5-year-old: I can’t do more kindergarten. My leg is hurting and that means my skeleton is broken.
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) August 31, 2020
Me: It’s just a story video on the iPad. You’re fine.
5-year-old: Maybe I can’t feel my fingers.
I never had a gender reveal party, so just letting y'all know I had a girl 25 years ago, and we accept cash.
— Felicia (@LostFelicia) August 30, 2020
No ice cream for the unemployed pic.twitter.com/ihAWIEAm7u
— Hlengiwe Leigh-anne Arewa (@hlengibila) August 30, 2020
Did you know that there’s a list of ingredients on baby wipes? Yeah, I went to the bathroom without my phone again.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) August 28, 2020
Hell hath no fury like a mom when someone opens the new package of something before the old one is finished.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 1, 2020
[5 PM]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 1, 2020
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I will.
[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I will.
[6 AM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: OMG I WILL.
[8 AM]
Text from child in school: you won’t believe this
First born: What was I almost named?
— Melanie Gibson (@ImMelanieGibson) September 1, 2020
Dad: You were going to be Valerie
Middle child: What about me?
D: Victor
Last born: What was I supposed to be?
Mom: Vasectomy
I’m homeschooling my son this year, so I plan on teaching the curriculum as follows:
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 1, 2020
Sarcasm 101
How to Get Mommy’s Tea
Let’s All Shut the Fuck Up for Ten Minutes
Annoying Daddy (AP level)
Why Firefly’s Cancellation is Never to Be Forgotten
Debate: Who is the Best Batman
My daughter wrote a song about me, isn't that sweet?
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 31, 2020
It's called "Mommy's Armpit Stubble."
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) September 3, 2020
Good morning to everyone except the kid that woke me up at 4:15am to proudly tell me that he almost used his teeth to remove a hangnail on his toe, but used a nail clipper instead.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) September 1, 2020
Me: Your shirt and pants don't match.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 31, 2020
6-year-old: My shirt is cool, and my pants are cool.
I stand corrected.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 3, 2020
Made it to the level of parenthood where I just plunged my hand into a pot of boiling water to salvage the cheese powder packet I accidentally dumped in with the macaroni.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 31, 2020
Having teens is fun because they demand that you give them their independence as they turn right around & ask if they can borrow $20.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 30, 2020
Parenting is a whole lot of, “Where did you hear that?!” Knowing full well it was you. They heard it from you.
— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) September 2, 2020