The Funniest Tweets From Women This Week (Aug. 5-11)

"Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realising I was unprepared should one be in there."

The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit. And although the platform might be rebranding to X, their humour lives on.

Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings. Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women, and then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.

Goddaughter asked me my age. I said 28 and she said “that’s really young. Why do you have a job? It sounds like you’re too small to do that.” I agree

— feta (@fetacheesepls) August 5, 2023

meeting someone with psychedelically bad conversation skills is such a joy because it forces you to reach deep into your soul and articulate something you never knew was there, for instance, "So how long have you had an iphone"

— chlobuchar (@me_im_chloe) August 9, 2023

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

— emily (@emilykmay) August 9, 2023

had a pilot named Ken yesterday and he introduced himself by saying his job is plane

— ceo 🥀 (@ceo_revenge) August 7, 2023

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

— chase (@_chase_____) August 5, 2023

can’t believe I have one wild & precious life and I’m spending it terrified to answer an email

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) August 7, 2023

did mdma by myself last night trying to heal my inner child and the only life-changing realisation i had was that Fireflies by Owl City is the best song of all time

— hattie (@scrapbookhattie) August 5, 2023

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

— Mary (@AnniemuMary) August 10, 2023

Companies when you place an order and uncheck the box for promotional emails pic.twitter.com/XNHPnqqVBr

— Mina Kimes (@minakimes) August 10, 2023

really enjoyed the polite way old people would call you weird as a child. “You march to the beat of your own drum” hell yea i do

— empress sissi (@historicalfits) August 6, 2023

How it feels to be in boarding group 5 pic.twitter.com/hfP5wL4mSh

— eliza (@elizamclamb) August 7, 2023

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) August 10, 2023

i hate my instagram explore page 😭 pic.twitter.com/zKoLl1ouob

— sandy (@satosgs) August 6, 2023

“you’re gonna regret getting all those tattoos” they will surely pale in comparison to the other things i will regret

— trash jones (@jzux) August 9, 2023

saw this pic of lily rose depp on the tl and i’m in awe of her muppet shadow pic.twitter.com/V2Up4ewENx

— vivian (@blewmarine) August 8, 2023

When I told my course director I was pregnant and needed to defer the dissertation, this one lecturer overheard and snorted and said “yeah, you’re not going to come back and finish. no way.”

she did not realise that I am motivated entirely by spite

— madeline odent (@oldenoughtosay) August 7, 2023

nah i get why chefs have huge egos…… whenever i make something from scratch it makes me wanna lift car

— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) August 10, 2023

Girls who lived in houses like this were allowed to cuss their moms out https://t.co/xJeVxxz0En

— Sarah York (@thesarahyork) August 7, 2023

When I say let’s do something casual, I mean let’s wear pajamas, pull our cars up next to each other in an empty parking lot, and catch up through our rolled down windows.

— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) August 9, 2023

having a boyfriend is so educational pic.twitter.com/gCLRnaF0lx

— multitude container (@bartleby_era) August 9, 2023

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

— latke (@latkedelrey) August 9, 2023

my chicago ass thought this was deepdish https://t.co/jJscVIOICR

— Jenn🌲 (@JuniperFolly) August 10, 2023

please stop asking me to send a calendar invite. i do not know what that means. the calendar invite was me asking you to do the thing. you manage your own little calendar, babe.

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) August 10, 2023

someone in my crochet group posted these photos asking if this was too much yarn to take on a 3 day camping trip & everyone said no pic.twitter.com/3DVFzX2dLL

— THE lusty argonian maid (@lindawg) August 10, 2023

Sometimes I wanna tell Twitter about something nice my husband did but then I remember that lady who got dragged for saying she liked sitting in the garden talking to her husband.

— emily (@emilykmay) August 5, 2023

My most old person instinct is to dislike when restaurants swear in their signage. “Pizza that will make you say: Shut the fuck up !” Why are you yelling at me

— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) August 5, 2023

girl in the stall next to me just dropped her purse and a shit ton of blueberries just rolled right out pic.twitter.com/5Ehm9XNsjD

— miss piggy apologist (@liIpochaco) August 6, 2023

I need you guys to understand that there was a 12 year old girl beside me who sang every single song with the most guttural scream I’ve ever heard. She was singing tolerate it like she’s been divorced 3 times I’ll think about her forever

— macstermind (@kenziecoffman) August 6, 2023

I didn’t think I wanted to be a Supreme Court Justice but the lifestyle sounds amazing

— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) August 10, 2023

at a certain point in my insomnia, i become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. i could crush a car with my brain right now. i could eat a whole sandwich with no drink.

— taylor garron (@taylorgarron) August 8, 2023

yelling “sing, my angel of music” to the frog loudly croaking outside my window

— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) August 11, 2023

Me when something good happens: I should have a snack.

Me when something bad happens: I should have a snack.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) August 9, 2023
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