The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women, and then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
if you’ve ever been described as “lighting up every room you walk into,” you have a 47% higher chance of being brutally murdered
— yasmin (@ycsm1n) June 10, 2023
Me, in my teens: Wow, this is a really nice car.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 15, 2023
Me, in my 20s: Wow, this is a really nice house.
Me, in my 30s: Wow, this is a really nice dish sponge.
Forget hot girl summer it’s rot girl summer (laying in bed, reading books, laying under layers of soft blankets)
— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) June 11, 2023
i wish they sold off-brand cars ill get me a damn Honder
— mia (@_demiaa) June 13, 2023
anybody ever think to sniff back when the airport dog sniff
— Atsuko Okatsuka (@AtsukoComedy) June 10, 2023
You have never seen anyone go harder on gift giving that unmarried professional women in their 30s.
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) June 11, 2023
The mythology of Gen X’s feral childhood escalates by the day. Like yeah sure things were a little loose in the 80’s, but y’all are out here acting like you were reenacting Lord of the Flies every day after school & not riding your BMX down to the reservoir & shoplifting Mentos.
— Rachel Klein (@racheleklein) June 13, 2023
I have big plans for this evening. I'm going to sit down in one room until it's time to go lie down in another.
— Emma Beasley🐝 (@JustBeingEmma) June 14, 2023
internet service employee: go ahead and unplug your router—
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) June 13, 2023
me, and I am so weak: please don’t make me do anything
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
— Kim (@timeistheenemy) June 15, 2023
every day Dropbox emails me and says your account is full!! No more room here! and every day I think hm do I even have a Dropbox account? I’ll check that later. And then I do not. This is called having a Tradition and it is important
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) June 14, 2023
i just deleted the iPhone weather app that mf so clueless
— mia (@_demiaa) June 14, 2023
My friend whose dog I am watching has just text to say there is yoghurt lollies in the freezer for the dog if he wants them. Yoghurt lollies. For the dog. In the freezer. If he wants them.
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) June 10, 2023
reached the age (toddler/elderly) where when somebody suggests hanging out, it cannot under any circumstances conflict with my nap
— anne t donahue (@annetdonahue) June 10, 2023
There are two types of people: Those who get to the airport four hours early and still worry about missing their flight, and those who think the final boarding call is a good time to go grab Starbucks, and they marry each other.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) June 13, 2023
"I hope this email finds you well".
— Dr Eleanor Janega (@GoingMedieval) June 11, 2023
How the email finds me: pic.twitter.com/f3G1UtcHAh
Remembering a girl I used to work with who didn’t believe in dinosaurs, not for religious reasons but bc “It’s just so silly…” Any time I tried to get her to elaborate, she’d be like “I mean…big monsters? Like…” and mime being a T-Rex until she was giggling too much to breathe
— Unemployed Astronaut (@MilfParade) June 15, 2023
I love when airlines have fare sales…It’s like oh hey Cleveland never really thought of you like that but for $39 let’s bump uglies
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) June 15, 2023
subletting my apartment for one day! but i’ll still be here and you have to watch a movie with me
— trash jones (@jzux) June 12, 2023
I slept in the lower bunk of a bunk bed until I was seventeen and one day was just like “hey mom and dad can I have a real bed” and they were like “yeah we’ve been waiting for you to ask for years”
— LN (@abernothing) June 14, 2023
One of the most embarrassing things that ever happened to me happened this year. I was at a premiere party and I was meeting a group of people and I asked Chl*e Sev*gny her name, and all of her friends looked at me like I should be deleted from history.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) June 13, 2023
I don’t know if I can have kids. Like now I have to go buy stuff at CVS for you instead of buying stuff at CVS for me???
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) June 11, 2023
Me packing to go on a 3 day holiday pic.twitter.com/EOhsLKze7i
— Cara Lisette (@CaraLisette) June 13, 2023
the central thesis of the shower—that everything will change if you are wet—is patently absurd. and yet
— isabel (@_unwell) June 11, 2023
“Please turn on your cameras” pic.twitter.com/eJje6gTILX
— Auth’ eSharp (@Elle__Juqu) June 12, 2023
Working on a script about a radioactive spider that gets bit by a teenage boy.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) June 12, 2023
One morning when my sister was 4yo she woke up smiling and exclaimed "wasn't that the best dream!?" bc she thought we all had the same dreams
— emscreams (@iyquraqt) June 14, 2023
“do you know excel”
— merrin (@wowzowee) June 15, 2023
no, but i know kindness. i know friendship. i know love. i know how to see the world in a grain of sand, and heaven in a wildflower. i know how to hold Infinity in the palm of my hand, and eternity in an hour.
It’s all fun and games being a trinket girl until you have to move
— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) June 15, 2023