I suspect it's not the done thing to admit contemplating what kind of ex your husband would make. Well (shh) I did. And I'm glad to say that 15 years and four children later, my guess was spot on. He and I were always great friends, and after the Summer of Hell last year (sponsored by Gordon's Gin, Marlboro Light and cornflakes for dinner rather more often than I'd like to admit) we've made it through. Now I'm negotiating my way through a very British divorce. I've waved my ex off to his new life in Canada - we don't do things by halves - and dealt with the fallout of children adjusting to life with Daddy 4000 miles away. I've howled my way through piles of paperwork and sat up until 3am discussing discipline strategies with my ex via Skype.
The trouble with an amicable divorce is this: without the twin spurs of anger and hatred, what you're left with is a lurking shadow of guilt. It doesn't matter how much you know you're doing the right thing for yourself - and ultimately your children - it's hard to escape the feeling that you've failed at being a grown up. The clear sight of children can help: sat on the floor surrounded by ancient holiday snaps and ancient school reports, I was weeping silently with nostalgia for a past which I was rewriting as perfect. Could we have tried harder to make things work? My ten year old son sat down and put his arms around me.
'You're sad about you and Daddy splitting up.'
Wiping my nose on my sleeve, I nodded, damply.
'But it's much better now, because you're friends. And if you'd stayed together you'd have just kept fighting and then you'd have been enemies.'
If my four children could see it, it was time for me to do the same and pull myself together. Painful as it is, we're lucky to be in this situation. We both want the best for the children, we want to work together, and we're going to do our damnedest not to do a Philip Larkin ('They f*ck you up...').
Strange as it seems, I consider myself lucky to grow up with divorced parents - they were the most cohesive parenting unit I knew. They were also the best of friends, a relationship which lasted right up to my father's death. I'd like my children to grow up feeling the same way. Let's face it - none of us plan to get divorced, but with the divorce rate continuing to rise, showing my children how to manage an amicable split might prove to be a vital lesson in life.