We still believe you might stay, you know. Some of us do, at least – 33%, according to a recent poll by German public broadcaster ZDF.
We dare hope, some of us, that after an abysmally tiring two years you just might wake up from this dreadful nightmare like it’s all just been a bizarre board game we were all playing.
But you won’t. You’d rather shoot yourself in the foot than admit your faults. Just look at the numbers: up until recently there’s never been a clear majority in the polls for Remain, now, YouGov puts it at 56%. All the while, the only thing you can agree upon with Brexit is that you are doing it wrong.
Even after the proven lies about EU contributions being rerouted to the NHS, the prospect of a tanking economy, a looming health crisis, the political chaos, the fear at the Irish border – none of that seemed to matter until it was too late. You’re still leaving. You will still pull that trigger.
I am sorry that I am not sorry for writing this, but here in Germany, we are absolutely fed up with this national crisis you’re going through – and pulling us through too. We’re even more fed up with you guys than we are with that angry, hateful orange man beyond the pond.
Our problem is that we care. We really do. According to a recent poll, 73% of us Germans want you to stay in the EU with us. 73%! By contrast, in a poll conducted last year by German public broadcaster ARD only 25% of Germans said they trusted the USA. The same poll showed that a majority of Germans are open to closer cooperation within the EU.
So we do care, and we remember. You were there for us in the darkest part of our history, you brought us freedom and democracy and the means to pursue our own destiny as a nation. A pursuit that has made allies of enemies, and friends of foes.
But that is what makes this ordeal so insufferable. Sure, we have our differences. We’re not funny, and you have no clue what breakfast is supposed to look like. Our money looks like a cutout rainbow, and yours has an old lady on it that you worship. But different strokes for different folks, right? No reason to just pack up and leave.
Especially when we’re so alike, you and us. Remember how we fought alongside one another in an endless unwinnable war in Afghanistan, only to have our enemies, the Taliban, grow stronger than ever 17 years after we started our mission?
Or how we both really like to flood the Balearic Islands in Spain, getting sunburned and drunk? Oh, the fun we had.
But it wasn’t enough. No, you dream of a future past. Of empire, kingdom and nobility. Of Gibraltar rather than Mallorca. You’ve always thought you were special – you’ve managed to get exemptions from EU rulings and treaties, and thanks to Margaret Thatcher, you even contributed less to the EU budget than you should have.
But I’m sorry to break this to you: the Commonwealth is never coming back – and you are just about to leave the new one.
And this is what’s most infuriating about the Brexit shambles. It’s unnecessary.
Just look at what the EU has given you: you’ve got the single market – and though that has challenged your national corporations, it also made them more competitive and more profitable.
You’ve got peace. An end to hundreds of years of war and destruction in Europe. And with peace, you’ve got prosperity.
And now remind yourself that this is what you get by turning your back on us: probably a recession. The Bank of England revised its growth forecast to just 1,2% for this year. That would be the slowest GDP growth since 2009.
This will be accompanied by ravaging financial losses. According to a study by the National Institute of Economic and Social Research, Brexit will cost you £100billion a year by 2030 – and that is the estimate under Theresa May’s Brexit deal. An orderly no-deal Brexit will cost you £140 billion a year. An unorderly one might just wipe you out.
And without EU stipulations to save you, your fruit and vegetables will look nasty.
To be fair, America has lost its way too. Sure, Barack Obama was easy enough to love. But racism, gun violence, no universal healthcare, playing football with their hands – the United States is quite insane, with or without Trump. Now they have the president to go with it.
The difference is: we’re used to expecting political shenanigans and cultural hijinks from the States. But we expected better from you, our peers.
We can’t tell you what to do. We’re not so great ourselves – and I am pretty sure our boring and uppish demeanour is half the reason you dislike the EU so much.
Fine, yes, the European Union has many mistakes and needs improvement. Yes, it actually costs money. But it’s still by far the best system we’ve got – a peaceful, prosperous federation of former enemies. You could have been part of a better European future. You chose not to be. That hurts, and it’s a tragedy that no political force in your country is truly trying to stop this mess.
But if you really must leave – then, please, just bloody leave already.
