Earlier this week, former New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio and his wife, Chirlane McCray, announced that they’re separating after almost 30 years of marriage.
In a variation on the grey divorce trend, de Blasio and McCray said they’re not currently planning on divorcing and intend to still live together, at least for the time being. More surprisingly, though, they’re both OK with each other seeing other people.
In an in-depth interview with The New York Times on Wednesday, de Blasio, 62, and McCray, 68, said they’ll both stay in the Park Slope townhouse where they raised their two children, now in their 20s, while they figure out their new normal.
They told reporter Matt Flegenheimer that they’re both happier now than they have been in some time ― and have established ground rules for “what’s cool, and what’s not cool, and whatever else.”
“I can look back now and say, ‘Here were these inflection points where we should have been saying something to each other,’” de Blasio said, reflecting on what led to the separation. “And I think one of the things I should have said more is: ‘Are you happy? What will make you happy? What’s missing in your life?’”
Months since the split, de Blasio — who served as mayor of New York City from 2014 to 2021 — is already exuding divorced dad energy. He’s even dyed his hair.
“I never anticipated ever doing anything with hair colour,” he said of his newer darker-hued close-crop, admitting to the Times that the shade may be a little too dark than he intended. “But I like feeling what I feel.”
McCray told the New York Post that she hopes that the pair can serve as a “model for how couples can communicate honestly about what their needs are and to conduct themselves when they find it’s time to move in another direction.”
Is this do-able? Here’s what experts say.
Do arrangements like the one McCray and de Blasio are attempting work, and if so, for how long? Marriage therapists and divorce attorneys we spoke with said it’s challenging, even for the most amicable of exes.
“If they can make this work, more power to them,” said Karen Covy, a mediator and a “recovering lawyer,” she joked.
“What’s puzzling to me is why they’re doing this,” Covy told HuffPost, noting that the divorcing couples she sees to do this are usually under financial constraints or still raising young children.
“We don’t know enough about the details of their situation to speculate about what’s really going on with them, but I can say that if they have a strong enough reason to make this kind of arrangement work ― and money, career and politics can be very strong reasons ― I’m sure they can pull it off, at least in the short term,” she said.
“They’re putting the best spin on it, but no matter how you slice it, it is the end of a relationship, or the end of the marital relationship, and there is really no good way to make it easy.”
- Randall Kessler, a high-profile divorce attorney in Atlanta, Georgia
Kurt Smith, a therapist in Northern California whose counselling practice specialises in helping men, noted that it’s usually men who propose these arrangements rather than their wives.
Things tend to get thorny when one partner starts dating, he said.
“It’s just too hard not to be negatively impacted emotionally and mentally, despite the good intentions,” he said. “Sure, people can deal with it for a while, but eventually it becomes too much, and in the case of exes, unnecessary.”
Randall Kessler, a divorce attorney based in Atlanta, Georgia, who’s represented a few “Real Housewives” stars, and Cardi B, among others, said de Blasio and his wife’s efforts sync up with a cultural shift toward kinder, more gentle divorces.
Think: Conscious uncoupling, like Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin were proponents of, or “nesting,” where the parents alternate use of the marital home while the children are there full time.
Kessler said that sometimes pre-divorcing couples stay living together as an eleventh-hour attempt to see if the marriage can work, though that doesn’t seem to be the case here.
“I think their approach is unique to them,” he said. “Being public figures, the mayor and his ex are trying to deal with this head on.”
“They’re putting the best spin on it, but no matter how you slice it, it’s the end of a relationship, or the end of the marital relationship,” he said. “There’s really no good way to make it easy for the children, although this is much better than most.”
This type of arrangement isn’t as uncommon as you’d think.
Divorced people we spoke to who’ve tried to split in similar fashion ― dismantle the marriage, keep the household ― had a more positive outlook on the mayor and his wife’s plans: Most felt that if there’s still residual love and respect, it’s worth giving it a shot. (And certainly if money is an issue, as it was with every one of them.)
Kate Warren, an actor in New York City, separated from her husband in January 2016 for all the expected reasons: “There was a loss of love and passion that turned to a ‘roomie’-type relationship,” she said.
That said, she didn’t end up moving out of their 1,000-square-foot rental apartment in Greenwich Village until 2022.
They chose to do so for their three kids’ well-being, but mostly because they couldn’t possibly afford two apartments in New York City. (The years long cohabitation ended up inspiring “Messy,” a dark comedy web series created by and starring Warren.)
In the beginning, Warren’s ex was relegated to the couch.
“Then when our eldest child went to college, he took our son’s room and went back to the couch on breaks when my son came back,” she said. “We managed living like this until 2022. He travelled a lot and on long trips so that eased the strain and stress, for sure.”
Navigating dating was full of hiccups, she said.
“The subject of dating again came up during our ‘breakup’ conversation, and it wasn’t me who brought it up,” Warren admits. “I was a bit stunned, to be honest. Furthest thing on my mind.”
After some time ― and some gentle nudging from friends who swore to her that online dating apps weren’t that bad ― Warren decided to get back out there, too. Naturally, there were some awkward experiences.
“My family, mainly the kids, definitely noticed how ‘fancy’ I looked when I was going out,” she said. “They were used to a lot more casual mom-wear.”
She also accidentally sent some texts meant for dates to her ex, which was pretty cringey: ‘The kind of texting was quite different than what I’d usually send him,’” Warren said.
The actor’s advice for the mayor and his wife or any other couples navigating a similar arrangement?
“Keep family dinners intact, and if dating, err on the side of caution,” she said, and don’t bring people home until you’re confident the relationship has legs.
“Also, some advice for the mayor: Don’t send explicit pics to your date,” she joked. “We don’t like that.”
For Jo, who asked to use her first name only to protect her privacy, it was less of an outright decision to stay under the same roof with her ex-husband and more of a “let’s wait and see what happens while not having sex” situation.
The couple separated in 2016 after 12 years of marriage, and finalised their divorce in 2021, but they’re both still living in the same family home in Minnesota.
“It’s just so much easier for us financially and as parents in one household,” Jo told HuffPost.
Th exes slept in the same bed, platonically, for about a year, though they eventually stopped doing that. Now, they’re back in the same bed.
“We’ve become a lot more comfortable with each other as the years have gone by, and at some point in the past year we started to sleep in the same room again,” the 41-year-old said. “There is still nothing physical between us, but I think we both feel comfort and security being together.”
When it comes to dating, they initially had a provisional “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, but that was almost impossible to maintain, Jo said.
“We both actually found out accidentally, and I would say it was very painful for both of us,” Jo said. “Once we were able to openly discuss it and be honest with each other, things were a lot easier and less awkward.”
Neither parties are publicly (or Instagram-officially) dating anyone. Jo said that wasn’t a discussed choice, but more of a logistical and emotional consideration, given their close proximity.
“I don’t want to cause the other person any heartache that wasn’t necessary,” she said.
“Really, the only thing missing from my life is sex and romance, and I have realised I’m OK being without that part for the time being ― and of course, plenty of people that are still married are also living without those things,” she said.
Jo likens her arrangement to ethical non-monogamy where they’re each still “deeply considering each other’s feelings.”
What do others think, especially their dates?
“The person I was seeing had complete knowledge of my situation, had been through a really difficult divorce himself and wasn’t looking for a ‘traditional’ relationship per se,” she said. “I never met his children even though we saw each other for several years, he didn’t meet my family, we didn’t go out much publicly or spend holidays together.”
Their close friends know about the divorce, but many of their acquaintances just figure they’re another married couple in town.
“Honestly, we probably seem to get along better than many married couples, so in our community we’ve faced very little awkwardness,” she said.
Ultimately, Jo said, she couldn’t care less if anyone has the record straight: “Married or not, other people don’t really have to know what goes on at anyone’s home or bedroom.”
David, a divorced man in Northern California who also asked that his last name not be published to protect his privacy, is still living with his ex-wife as well. They separated in 2008, after about eight years together and raising his ex’s two kids from an earlier relationship together.
It wasn’t just finances that kept them under one roof initially; at the time, David’s ex was dealing with some undiagnosed mental health issues, and he wanted to be there to help. (“I was also incredibly self-centred and almost wholly disconnected from my emotions at the time,” he told HuffPost.)
David’s ex was the first to start dating, but only because she was more successful at it, he said. The exes even tried to take a stab at their relationship again at some point.
“When that didn’t work, I tried to date again, but I wasn’t clear in my ending things with my ex,” he said. “She was devastated when she found out I was trying to date while she was still hoping we could make it work.”
When she found out, the couple got into a shouting match that was so loud, the neighbours called the police on them.
“It was an ugly mess that I still regret to this day,” David said. “It reached the point that I went to live at a friend’s for six months instead.”
“I assumed [our living arrangement] would be a huge red flag for women, but as it turned out, the first couple of women I went on dates with were in the same situation.”
- David, a divorced man in Northern California who still lives with his ex after separating in 2008
Therapy ― and plenty of emotional growth on both their parts ― followed, and after those six months, the former couple moved back in together, now just to save money.
Fifteen years later, they’re still living together. They mulled going their separate ways, but then COVID happened. “It’s funny how clarifying the pandemic was in a lot of ways, because shortly before it hit, we were talking about selling the house and either getting a better place or going our own ways,” he said. “But then it turned out going through lockdowns, distancing, and all the rest was a lot easier with someone else in the house.”
His ex-wife is now in a relationship with a guy who David thinks is great. David dates here and there, too: “I assumed [our living arrangement] would be a huge red flag for women, but as it turned out, the first couple of women I went on dates with were in the same situation,” he said.
David’s advice to Mayor Bill and his wife is simple: Communicate, early and often.
“Not just talk, but communicate,” he said. “You have to be able to have the difficult talks, and you need to be able to not just set your own boundaries, but respect theirs, too.”
While arrangements like his may seem unconventional ― they certainly don’t get spoken about often ― David thinks such scenarios will be a growing trend.
“Until housing is stabilised in the U.S., I think a lot more people are going to end up in this situation, and society is going to have to adjust to it whether it wants to or not,” he said.
Exes will have to adjust, too, and the best way to do that is to try to excavate the friendship at the root of a marriage.
“My first therapist said that what happens in a lot of relationships is that people lack the self-awareness or self-honesty to own their own mistakes,” he recalled. “So when the relationship fails, they blame everything on their ex and end up hating them.”
You’re exes for a reason, David said. “But if you’re willing to own your own shit and show grace towards their mistakes, you can find a way to leave [the negativity] in the past.”
Not in a “just bury it and don’t think about it kind of way,” either, he said.
“You really have to acknowledge the hurt you both gave and received, while also recognising how you’ve both grown, too,” he said.