You may have stumbled upon a TikTok trend in which people are turning to other social media users to help them publicly expose alleged cheaters. The TikToker either secretly films the two-timer and uploads the footage to social media or they may just share identifiable details about the cheater on the app, asking — either explicitly or implicitly — for internet sleuths to help track down the philanderer so they can find and alert his poor spouse or partner. And the whole thing is a lot less benevolent than it may seem at face value.
In June, a woman on TikTok with the handle @carolinerened went viral after she surreptitiously filmed a man on her flight who was wearing a wedding band while flirting with a female passenger he reportedly met at the airport bar. The video was viewed millions of times before it was taken down. In a follow-up video, which is also no longer available, she claimed the pair kissed and went to the bathroom together during the flight.
“If this is your husband flying United Airlines, Flight 2140, from Houston to New York, he’s probably going to be staying with Katy tonight,” she wrote in the caption before rattling off a bunch of details she overheard about this man’s life.
She ended the caption with a call to action: “Do your thing TikTok.”
And they did. Social media users were able find the husband in the video as well as his wife within 24 hours.
Journalist Angela Chapin (who formerly worked at HuffPost) wrote a story about this incident and others like for The Cut, “Exposing Cheaters Isn’t Always a Flex.”
“The plane-guy saga is the kind of intimate, unscripted moment that makes for viral gold. For the viewers, there’s catharsis in watching some asshole get caught. There’s a mystery to solve and people to fight with in the comment section. I also get the impulse to put plane guy on blast,” she wrote, before adding that she would not have filmed it and posted it on the internet for all to see.
Relationship expert Leanne Yau — a polyamory educator and expert at the dating app Taimi — spoke to HuffPost about the fascination with these cheater-exposing videos on TikTok and elsewhere online. They said they believe there’s a bit of “vigilante mindset” behind the viral posts.
Infidelity is a topic that stirs up a lot of emotion. It may be taboo, but it’s also quite common — 21% of people admitted to cheating on a partner at some point, according to a 2022 Newsweek poll. (It’s worth noting that these surveys often rely on self-reported data, so the true number may be higher.) That means many people have either been cheated on or know someone who has been, which, Yau said, can be a “very vulnerable” and “traumatic” experience.
“I think a lot of people are personally invested in punishing or discouraging people from doing this or wanting to expose the truth to the partners of these people,” they added.
Posting these videos can have serious implications.
Though TikTok vigilantes may believe they’re doing the Lord’s work in exposing infidelity, the decision to share this information publicly online comes with consequences.
Given the cheater’s apparent wrongdoings, some people may not care whether sharing this footage or information online is a violation of their privacy. But what about the spouse or partner they’re ostensibly cheating on?
“Now suddenly there’s hundreds, perhaps thousands or millions of eyeballs on what is ultimately a very private affair,” Yau said. “In exposing and shaming the cheater, you also put a lot of unwanted attention on the victim.”
“In exposing and shaming the cheater, you also put a lot of unwanted attention on the victim.”
- Leanne Yau, polyamory educator and expert at the dating app Taimi
If you’re the partner of the alleged cheater, finding out this information via TikTok, getting a DM from a stranger or seeing a news article about your partner’s indiscretions “can be really traumatic in itself,” Yau said.
“Not only do you have to deal with the private issue of the fact that your partner’s betrayed you in this way, but you also have to contend with the public finding out about this and not having control over the situation,” they continued. “It takes away a lot of agency from the victim of the cheating when really the focus should be on empowering them.”
Posting these videos online with the assumption that a person is cheating also ignores the fact that many people today are in consensually non-monogamous relationships. In other words, they and their partner may have agreed upon a relationship structure that is romantically and/or sexually non-exclusive. Exposing them online can potentially do a lot of harm to them and their families.
Some polyamorous people have lost their jobs or child custody when others found out about their lifestyle, Yau noted.
Not only that, there are real social and reputational consequences to being outed as non-monogamous in your community “as polyamory is still a very misunderstood relationship style by many,” Yau said.
These videos also raise interesting questions about what constitutes cheating. Some partners might consider playful banter with your flight seatmate to be a form of infidelity. Same goes for texting or grabbing a drink with an ex. For other couples, those things may be permissible or even encouraged.
“Cheating is truly sometimes an ambiguous term,” divorce attorney Randall Kessler, author of “Divorce: Protect Yourself, Your Kids and Your Future” told HuffPost. “Is it cheating to flirt? Our divorce clients are most often upset at an emotional affair even more than a sexual affair. Sharing your hopes and dreams with someone other than your partner sometimes seems to hurt worse than a sexual encounter with another.”
And it’s worth mentioning that when the person being cheated on is someone you know (rather than a stranger), the situation ― and the way you might choose to handle it ― is different. In that case, you might try to find a gentle, private way to share that information with them. Still, it’s a personal decision and one that’s quite dependent on the specific circumstances, Kessler said.
“If it’s a friend, there are so many things to consider. Is the victim likely to be better off knowing or not knowing? What happens if the victim is a friend and later learns you didn’t tell them? What if you are mistaken about what you saw? It’s a tough dilemma and totally dependent on the circumstances,” he said.
“Truly my best advice would be to think about what would you want someone to do if they saw your loved one cheating.”