Wrenching it on to the page can be a challenge if you're burdened with any of the following:
Next door is building a bathroom
Next door has finished the bathroom and has moved on to decking
Or hoovering
Or...
One's daughter is back from Thailand and wanting to share about her inner meaning, before she goes off again shortly and informs you that her time is of the essence - and what if (God forbid) she came to a sticky end at the Burning Man Festival and you hadn't spent time talking to her about the meaning of life, or managed to warn her off a drippy looking man in muslin trousers who does 'man workshops' that you had been allowed to see a pic of? You would probably die of guilt.
If you just write dialogue
You just write narrative
You just write crap
Other peoples books are out which make your own book feel as old as Kingsley Amis who
at least had the cachet of being xenophobic which is at least topical. You hate the tyranny of having to spellcheck due to the strictures of other people anility.
Your therapist is in a meeting. Your hypnotist has double booked her room and expects you to wait in a room full of patients seeing osteopaths and who may be moaning quietly in pain. Or staring at you. These are all bad things.
BUT if you are free of the above - here are the criteria for successful story writing:
You have a VERY SIMPLE idea
You have an AUTHENTIC narrative VOICE
You have GOOD JOKES that FIT
You are UNINHIBITED about farting and sex
You like your life
YOU like your backside which is being expanded due to repetitive sitting injury because it is a literary war wound and you can wear it with pride under a pashmina
You have a fly spray that can reach from sitting position
You like Muriel Spark
You have a secret drawer of diet pills that can give you that extra edge to stop you lying down and watching Four in a Bed when nothing happens
You have friends who are also authors who plug your book in a woman's magazine even
though their book is on the same subject (this may not happen).
By the by - every now and then, someone actually recognises how brilliant you are. No really... so here's a shot - I'm judging a creative writing competition with Jojo Moyes, Sandra Parsons and Lauren Child for The Henley Literary Festival and Dragonfly Tea. On top of the prestige you can win up to £2,500.
Find out more at: http://henleyliteraryfestival.co.uk/creative-writing-competition
Helen Lederer's book Losing It is out now and is nominated for The Bollinger Everyman Wodehouse Prize for comic literature 2015 and the Edinburgh Book Festival First Book Award 2015