My speaking-age child often threatens to “smack you in a minute” quite loudly and always in public. And every time I feel compelled to make a tannoy announcement to assure the rest of the supermarket/world that we do not smack, we don’t threaten to smack, and we are very much anti-smackers.
It has left me baffled as to how a tot, whose TV diet has been largely restricted to CBeebies and parents who have never (with the exception of childbirth) made violent threats towards each other, has picked up some truly chilling ideas when it comes to justice.
Thankfully I’m not the only one who has been left red-faced by my toddler’s wildly inappropriate remarks. A recent Mumsnet thread made for interesting reading and could have been an early Stephen King brainstorming session as parents took the brave step of publicly outing their very own children of the corn.
One mum posted on the site: “Completely out of nowhere, my two-year-old turned to me this evening and said affectionately: ‘Don’t worry mummy, I won’t chop your head off’.” Cue hysterical analysis of parenting, environment, and the number one enemy of a happy parent - judgement.
No matter how much I preach that I’m not a smacker when my child loudly makes these threats in public, it’s out there. And for all the explaining in the world, as a parent you know that Sally on fresh meat and Peter on checkouts will recall this anecdote to their families later under a cloud of “that poor child - what home life must he have to say something like that?”, then probably try and slip him a Childline leaflet with his next green token. I admit, I would have thought the same when I was raising my hypothetical family as a child-free woman.
Smacking isn’t the only, or by any means the worst, vision of violence we have encountered. There was a particularly bloody phase where most conversations ended with imagining someone had a screwdriver in their eye because they didn’t say “please” or put their shoes on. It really does give the home a bright and breezy feel - a bit like how ‘Lord of the Flies’ brightens up a PTA book club.
“He threatens me, my husband and my other son with graphic violence (‘I will hit you with a knife in your eye!’) but we have, worryingly, got used to it."”
- Mumsnet user
The theme is not totally unusual, I’m reassured. Another mum added to the Mumsnet blood-thirsty toddler amnesty thread that her young son frequently threatens her and her husband with oddly worrying warnings, including “I will hit you with a knife in your eye!”.
So where on earth do they get it from? Don’t ask.
We all are wise enough (infrequently) not to Google medical symptoms, and the same advice goes for this period of your child’s life.
When I did a quick search to find out why toddlers came out with these phrases (after a particularly savage message of arson from the mouth of my firstborn), I decided never to do that again. The first six pages showed me some pretty alarming articles.
I did, however, find a small but helpful observation from Dr Christopher Green, author of ‘New Toddler Taming’ who, at the end of his chapter ‘Nasty habits in nice children’, remarked: “Remember that all of the behaviour in this chapter, much as it drives you crazy now, will just be a funny story some day quite soon.”