UK Government Trapped In Metaphor Hell In Response To Vaccine Hope

Tooting on bugles. Penalty shoot-outs. Train doors.
LOADINGERROR LOADING
Deputy chief medical officer for England, Jonathan Van-Tam, Boris Johnson and British army brigadier Joe Fossey.
Deputy chief medical officer for England, Jonathan Van-Tam, Boris Johnson and British army brigadier Joe Fossey.
WPA Pool via Getty Images

The UK government appeared to be suffering from a nasty bout of verbal diarrhoea as it tried to express itself amid high hopes for a coronavirus vaccine.

Boris Johnson’s prose was at its most purple as the prime minister attempted to contextualise pharmaceutical company Pfizer’s announcement that there had been a breakthrough in clinical trials.

At the daily briefing on Monday, the PM was flanked by England’s deputy chief medical officer, Professor Jonathan Van-Tam, who was slightly more successful in his use of analogy, simile and metaphor.

It began with Johnson speaking of the “distant bugle of the scientific cavalry”, before he warned: “I can tell you that tonight that toot of the bugle is louder, but it’s still some way off.

“We absolutely cannot rely on this news as a solution. The biggest mistake we could make now would be to slacken our resolve at a critical moment.”

“That toot of the bugle is still some way off,” says Boris Johnson.

Would love to hear from absolutely anyone who isn’t bored to the brink of death by his utterly wearisome schtick.

— Tom Peck (@tompeck) November 9, 2020

PM mixing his 'cowboys and indians' metaphors.
Mass testing is one of the "arrows" in our "epidemiological quiver.."
But re a vaccine: "the distant bugle of the scientific cavalry coming over the brow of the hill...that toot of that bugle is louder but still some way off."

— Paul Waugh (@paulwaugh) November 9, 2020

If I’m reading this right, the PM is saying we should have a toot of some bugle to celebrate the vaccine? https://t.co/OVn42tQ22W

— Ian Rankin (@Beathhigh) November 9, 2020

But he wasn’t finished there.

The prime minister later added he was “buoyantly optimistic”, but that people should not see the development as “a home run, a slam dunk, a shot to the back of the net, yet”.

And Van-Tam, suggesting it was not yet known how the Pfizer vaccine would affect transmission of the virus, picked up the ball and ran with it (sorry).

The Boston United season ticket holder said: “So this is like… getting to the end of the playoff final, it’s gone to penalties, the first player goes up and scores a goal.

“You haven’t won the cup yet, but what it does is, it tells you that the goalkeeper can be beaten.”

Van-Tam received better reviews.

absolutely cracking analogy from JVT: it's a penalty shootout, we've got the first one in. That doesn't mean the cup is won, but we've shown that the goalie can be beaten.

— Jane Merrick (@janemerrick23) November 9, 2020

Jonathan Van Tam using a play-off final penalty shootout analogy in the briefing pic.twitter.com/zBbK5YkMnc

— Scott Innes (@Flying_Inside) November 9, 2020

Deputy Chief Medical Officer Jonathan Van-Tam just used a penalty shootout analogy to describe the vaccine pic.twitter.com/evszIfK8KR

— FootballJOE (@FootballJOE) November 9, 2020

Johnson: "this is a bugle in the distance"
Me, a dumb northerner: "wa"

Van Tam: "We've scored but we've not won the cup yet"
Me: "ey up"

— Megan Townsend (@mmtowns) November 9, 2020

The man dubbed “JVT” by colleagues and fans went for another classic.

He said: “We don’t know yet when we can get back to normal. We are in the second wave and I don’t see how the vaccine will make any difference to the wave we’re in. We’ve seen a swallow but this is very much not a summer. Please don’t relax.”

Oh, British army brigadier Joe Fossey was there too. We think.

WPA Pool via Getty Images

Not sure they should have let Brigadier Fossey wear camouflage during the press conference. pic.twitter.com/5C2XFSRyXu

— GedRobinson (@GedRobinson) November 9, 2020

And with the bit between his teeth, Van-Tam went again.

He said: “This to me is like a train journey. It’s wet, it’s windy, it’s horrible. And two miles down the tracks two lights appear and it’s the train and it’s a long way off and we’re at that point at the moment. That’s the efficacy result.

“Then we hope the train slows down safely to get into the station, that’s the safety data, and then the train stops.

“And at that point the doors don’t open. The guard has to make sure it’s safe to open the doors. That’s the MHRA, that’s the regulator.

“And when the doors open, I hope there’s not an unholy scramble for the seats. The JCVI has very clearly said which people need the seats most and they are the ones who should get on the train first.”

Well, that cleared that up.

Loving JVT going all Thomas the Tank on us with his vaccine analogy about a train coming into the station and the doors not opening. pic.twitter.com/Mr3bp9f76p

— Isabel Hardman (@IsabelHardman) November 9, 2020

Van-Tam now comparing a vaccine to standing on a wet, windy station and seeing the train lights a couple of miles away before it finally opens and the most vulnerable passengers are allowed on first. He's on a roll.

— Kevin Maguire (@Kevin_Maguire) November 9, 2020

Prof JVT is by far the best communicator in this pandemic. Clear, precise, no-nonsense, good use of analogies (train one was excellent). And I trust him in a way I just never trust Boris. pic.twitter.com/V5beNVzqlW

— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) November 9, 2020

Basically JVT says the vaccine is like a train that takes a penalty at Wembley but the ball flies over because it is a swallow.

— Olly Barratt (@ollybarratt) November 9, 2020
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