For a lot of couples, it can often feel like you have to do everything together, especially if you have a lot in common – why would you do the things you both enjoy without the person you love most?
Well, according to psychologists, enjoying separate things, albeit while physically together – also known as ‘parallel play’ – can actually strengthen your relationship with your partner.
While this concept was originally associated with children, it’s thought that the various lockdowns during the first two years of the Covid-19 pandemic led to people looking for ways to have time to themselves, while simultaneously stuck at home with their partners.
Psychotherapist Sarah Breen told Well + Good that parallel play “can facilitate both increased independence and closeness between partners”.
This is because parallel play isn’t about being independent of one another, it’s about getting to be yourself and enjoying what brings you pleasure, while knowing your partner is right there should you need them or want to talk to them about what you’re doing.
It can also help if you had insecure attachment growing up. As Psychologist Via-An Nguyen told ABC News: “Parallel play can be useful to practice secure attachment behaviours – particularly when you’re trying to heal from attachment trauma because you had insecure attachment growing up due to volatile or inconsistent relationships with your caregivers.”
So, how do you actually do parallel play in your relationship?
According to mental health therapist Amira Martin, parallel play “can take many forms”, like reading together, working on separate projects, or watching a film without talking.
Anecdotally, in my own relationship, my partner and I are both neurodivergent and introverted meaning that often, we need time to decompress.
Sometimes this means watching a film together or chatting over dinner, other times it means I want to read my book while he plays a video game on the sofa next to me.
Even though we are in the same place, this relaxed separation makes us both feel safe and rested.