Advice on dating and relationships tends to be cliche (“There’s plenty of fish in the sea”) or too specific to the person sharing it (What worked for them isn’t necessarily going to work for you).
On the hunt for genuinely good advice, we decided to ask an assortment of people ― pastors, podcast hosts, psychologists and standup comedians, among others ― to share the very best relationship or dating advice they have ever received or given. Read what they had to say below.
Responses have been lightly edited for clarity and length.
Tell everyone you know that you’re single and looking for love.
“Have no shame. Tell everyone you know that you are looking for love and ask them to set you up. Message a ton of people via online dating sites and only spend your time and attention with ones that like you are looking for love. Only go on max one date per week so you don’t get burned out. Realise that most of the time, folks will not be your fit and that is OK. Keep going, the next one may be the last one. Don’t date until your life is pretty good and you would rather be single than be in a mediocre relationship.” ― Mike Goldstein, founder of EZ Dating Coach
Pay attention to how they interact with waiters.
“Notice how they treat strangers and service workers, because that is how they will treat you in the long run.” ― David Kaye, the artistic director at Bad Example Productions
Notice how you feel when you’re around them before getting serious.
“There are a few aspects of romantic relationships that have resonated with me as a relationship researcher, in particular when commitment is still forming and the attachment system may be activated. One of the most important elements when determining if a partner is capable of developing a healthy relationship with you is how they make you feel — emotionally and physically. However, I’m not referring to physical chemistry or having feelings for the person. Instead, I’m referring to feelings of safety within a relationship.
I’d suggest that people who are looking for love ask themselves these questions: Does the person you’re dating make you feel at ease, or do they make you feel anxious or nervous? Do they make you feel confident about yourself, your identities, and your abilities or do they try to tear you down? Does the person respect your boundaries or do they consistently try to push them? A healthy romantic relationship should make you feel relaxed — you should not be questioning if the person is interested or if they think highly of you.” ― Alexandra E. Black, a postdoctoral scholar at the Social Connection and Positive Psychology Lab at Arizona State University
You don’t have to marry everybody you love.
“That advice came from my mother and it remains the best I’ve received.” ― Penney Berryman, a marketer and writer
Bring a genuine, honest version of yourself to the date.
“I think I made so many mistakes in the past trying to overthink who someone else might want me to be that it really leaves you in a place of not being able to be yourself which has so many horrible consequences. Have confidence in who you are! Lean into who you are. Be proud of your likes and your dislikes. Also, listen. Be attentive. Have a curiosity about who this person is. Also, wear material that is breathable. Don’t wear a heavy jacket in August to try to look ‘cool,’ especially if you sweat when you get nervous. Trust me.” ― Ryan Bailey, host of the Betches Media podcast “So Bad It’s Good With Ryan Bailey”
Know your worth.
“The ‘looking’ goes both ways. In the beginning, don’t look for love — look for reciprocity. Does this person show up in meaningful ways? Do their actions align with their words? Do they do what they say they’re going to do? When you do something nice for them, are they eager to reciprocate? Does it make them happy to make you happy? Does it hurt them to hurt you?
You don’t have to earn love. You’re worthy. Recognise what you bring to the table. You might find perfectly nice people who aren’t a good fit for you. That’s OK. Be ethical and release them for someone who fits their quirks. Know how to dump and be dumped. Watch someone’s character and be clear-eyed about their level of investment in you. ― Tracy Schorn, a writer who runs the advice site Chumplady.com and the author of “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life — The Chump Lady’s Survival Guide”
Ask questions about their prior relationship history.
“Don’t be afraid to ask, what was the reason the last breakup occurred? How do they believe that they contributed to the problem? If the prospective person only blames other people, that’s a bad sign. While if they can take some responsibility and show some insight that’s a better sign. But one of the predictors of long-term happiness in a relationship is how nice the person is. So see how they treat others around you like their friends, family or other people.” ― Joshua Coleman, a psychologist in the San Francisco Bay Area
Breakups are better than biding your time in a bad relationship.
“Don’t stay in the wrong relationship just to avoid being single. Breakups have their upsides: You get to cut your hair Weird Barbie-level short and sing at the top of your lungs to ‘Survivor’ by Destiny’s Child and nobody thinks you’re having a meltdown because there’s context for it. It’s great. — Heidi Lux, a Los Angeles-based satirist and screenwriter
Stop trying to manufacture love.
“I would say the best advice you could give somebody who is looking for love is to stop trying to manufacture it. I think so often when we are single and trying to date we keep pushing too hard, swiping too much, putting so much hope in each individual date or encounter, and it constantly leaves us dejected and let down. In my experience, the best relationships form naturally, so finding ways to be out and social, meeting new people, and forming connections that don’t have the pressure of a first date is where I have found my most meaningful romantic relationships. It’s about being open to having romance develop rather than trying to make romance happen.” ― Rev. Brandan Robertson, a pastor and author of “Dry Bones and Holy Wars: A Call for Social and Spiritual Renewal”
When someone shows you their true colours, believe them the first time.
“Don’t try to paint them differently. You’re not Picasso.” ― Jodi Meltzer, author of “Your Face Lights Up the World”
Don’t wear yourself out looking for love.
“When you go searching for it you’ll more than likely end up settling for something because you feel the need to find it at your fingertips. Just calm down, girl, it will happen. Focus on you and find love in yourself first.” ― Alexander Rodriguez, the host of the podcast “On the Rocks Radio Show”
Don’t jump into a relationship because you fear being alone.
“I believe the saying, ‘When the student is ready, the teacher arrives’ applies to almost every situation in life, including love. I’d been through a couple less-than-stellar relationships. Looking back, I realise I entered into a couple of them out of desperation. I knew things weren’t great, but worried that if I didn’t make a bad situation work, I wouldn’t have another opportunity. I mean, who else would date me? Only after I became comfortable with being alone, did the woman I married appear. So, my overall advice is: Be patient. Date casually, but never jump into a relationship out of the fear of being alone.” ― Nathan Timmel, comedian and author
Know the difference between dating requirements and cement walls.
“As an intuitive tarot reader and queer witch, I work with many people who say they’re looking for love while also writing off or disqualifying connections in their early stages. In today’s abundance of options, it can be too easy to find deal-breakers as we’re getting to know people. Remember, we can all be awkward at first! Hold your boundaries, but be mindful if you’re really building walls that push potential loves away.” ― Bex Mui, founder and author of House of Our Queer
Love yourself first.
“Work on yourself first. Become the kind of person you want to fall in love with, and then fall in love with yourself ― not in an egotistical way, but for real. When you fall in love with yourself two things happen: First, you scratch your own itch. You feel loved and lovable because you are. The more you feel love, the more love you attract. Secondly, you stop feeling desperate or needy ― both of which drive people away from you.” ― Karen Covy, a divorce coach and mediator
Trust in your timing.
“We’re all guilty of trying to get to the next milestone and meet arbitrary timelines, but at the end of the day, life falls into place at the right time for you. Looking back, it was clear I wasn’t ready when I wanted love so badly, yet couldn’t make a relationship work. I was so caught up in meeting someone before I turned 30 because society has conditioned us (especially as women!) that if you miss your window, it’s too late. But from hosting my dating podcast for the last eight years, this is simply not true. We’ve seen people find love at any age! Whatever stage of life you’re in, enjoy it for what it is. Because it’s only a matter of when — not if — you’ll meet that special someone and fall in love.”― Julie Krafchick, the co-host of the podcast “Dateable”
Stick your neck out and stay optimistic.
“The first part of this is just recognising that an amazing relationship won’t just land in your lap. You have to be willing to stick your neck out ― for example, start conversations with strangers, even though that entails the possibility of getting shot down — in order to find what you’re looking for.
The second part is recognising that dating is hard, even if you’re attractive and amazing, and the only way you’ll survive the journey is if you stay positive. If you start looking at dating negatively, you’ll both lose the energy to stick your neck out and date, and you’ll actively push people away, because negativity is more repulsive than bad breath!” ― Blaine Anderson, a dating coach in Austin, Texas
Know what love you have to give and what love you want to receive.
“A lot of people want to be in love, be in a relationship, but few actually know what they need. Are you looking for someone who matches you? Someone who differs from you? How do you feel about someone who likes to sing, or likes to take pictures of their food? It’s important to know who we are and what we need, rather than chase the nebulous concept of ‘love.’ Also, what do you bring to the table? A relationship is a two-way street, it isn’t all about receiving and having the ‘perfect love story,’ it’s a commitment and a partnership between people.” ― Sam See, a stand-up comic based in London